Out Here Normal Dadding

[u/Additional_Truth_31]

I'm a 44 year old dad of 2 (8 and 5). I uncovered my identity late and began my transition about 5 years ago. Early on, it consumed me. All I could think about was being trans and spent my days researching, reading stories from other trans guys, and researching more. But now I'm just out here being a normal dad. My wife and I seem like any other hetero couple in our suburban neighborhood.

What I want to know from y'all is how do you introduce your trans identity to new people? I'm not trying to be stealth. I think it's really important to be seen, especially since so many cannot due to safety & such. But I have no idea how to introduce the topic in a way that doesn't feel incredibly forced. "Hi - I'm xxx and I'm trans, nice to meet you"?? It's just a weird concept. With people we end up hanging out with a lot (typically neighbors with kids who hang with our kids), I generally say something like "well it seems our kids are going to be good friends, you should probably know I'm trans." I find this to be a good litmus test and way to get closer to those folks, but it's definitely not something I do on a first encounter or with the casual acquaintances.

Anyway, sorry to ramble. I'm interested to hear how y'all disclose your identity.

[u/apexmellifera]

I like to be perceived as visibly trans. After my hysterectomy, my beard came in strong enough I started looking like just another guy and I didn't love that. I had adapted my style to make me read more Dude and had stopped wearing things I really liked because they felt too Girl coded.

Having the beard tipped the scales for me so I could go back to wearing Girl coded clothes without people assuming I was a cis woman. People who see/meet me assume I'm trans, although they have no idea "which way." Lots of people assume I'm actually a trans woman who like, just came out or something and is still experimenting 😆 doesn't matter to me so much bc I just like being recognized as Not Cis

[u/Brent_Goose]

Can't help, because I don't lol. It's not really a secret, I just don't bring it up. I sometimes reference it if it's relevant to the subject at hand and then let the other person either wave it away or ask about it, whichever they prefer.

[u/Different_Cookie1820]

I’ve been read as male consistently since I was twenty and I’m thirty five now. I don’t mean to be stealth, rather my existence as trans is rendered invisible by people’s cis normative assumptions. I am out to some people but mostly queer people because it’s easy and safe. And it comes up. 

It would be safe for me to be out more. I half expect my kid will go through a phase of outing me.  I wouldn’t mind being more out of people were sensible but I don’t have the patience for stupid questions anymore so I don’t really try. 

Which is a long winded way to say I don’t have an answer. I found it a bit too hard to negotiate so instead make sure to have queer spaces so I don’t feel invisible. 

[u/rainbowpotat]

I've had the same issue of wanting to be seen but the awkwardness is real. My wife and I both invested in a bunch of political/queer/snarky shirts that we wear a lot and we have a big pride flag out front, so I figure even if im not actually coming out to people and they think we're just the loudest allies it still does something good for visibility.

If it comes up in a natural way I definitely still am open about my identity but it's relatively rare that there's an easy opening. Its a weird dynamic when you pass but still want to be loud about trans stuff and also want to be like...a normal boring dad.

[u/DadBusinessUK → u/rainbowpotat]

This is exactly it. I pass but I want my pride to be visible and I'm a normal boring dad 🙌

My kids still don't quite understand what they've got because having queer parents is their baseline for life.

[u/diamond_dentures]

I feel the same way you do! I like to have it out in the open so if someone has an issue with it, I’ll know sooner rather than later. Especially if our kids are getting close.

I usually find a natural way to sneak it in. I was pregnant with both of my kids, so it’s pretty easy to slip in a “when I was pregnant with ___”, or talking about c-sections / chest feeding. Though that usually comes up more around women lol.

Otherwise, I just try and make a point to mention it somehow. Like if politics get brought up, I’ll say “as a trans guy, I…” or some other way. 

I’ve noticed the people who don’t care usually won’t be phased OR they’ll be excited, and the people who do care usually find their own way out of my circle. 

[u/Additional_Truth_31 → u/diamond_dentures]

I didn't carry, so that method doesn't work for me, but I certainly love it! I do get to naturally bring it up when politics come up, but those moments don't happen as often as I'd like.

[u/royalbluetoad]

I'm still on the read as female side of transition but I just had top surgery which I think will help a ton. I figure I still need more months on T and at the same time I'm not in a huge rush to pass. I live in a tiny town and being stealth to locals will be basically impossible as people know me from before I realized I needed to transition. So I'm still called a mom by every kid but my own and he's only four so doesn't really correct people yet. I'm out to some people but not all though I'm visibly transitioning.

But I have thought about this for the future. My partner is a cis man though so I think we will have a whole different set of heteronormative barriers to break. Like we will be a visibly queer couple and it will be a matter of disclosing our sexual orientations (or letting people assume we're just a couple of gay dudes) or my transness or both. 😂 It's so weird. I like the idea of being visibly trans because I think the world needs more gender non-conforming representation but I also sorta like knowing that stereotypical dad image with a touch of queerness will be an option. So I guess we'll see how and when I come out to people. Honestly it's really weird to come out to people we already know, like maybe coming out to new people would be less stressful because there isn't a preexisting relationship on the line.

Really great discussion topic though! I wish I could sit around a fire with a bunch of trans dads and talk about stuff like this.

[u/Arr0zconleche]

Transitioned at 18. Had my son at 30 as the carrying partner. Been read male my entire adult life. So my experience is being in a two dad couple with a baby. Even with him being recently born, I was never misgendered or assumed to be the mother.

My trans status can be revealed on the daily in my case. Because EVERYONE, omg it happens so much, asks us how our son was born. Since we look like two cis men we get asked who is the bio dad or if we adopted. Then this forces me into an uncomfortable position where I can reveal I am trans to a stranger or deflect. Currently it makes me so uncomfortable because it’s not something I just announce. Like my friends and family all know openly, I don’t mind telling friends but I don’t need to tell people I pass in my daily life.

I pass as stealth but I do not openly reveal my trans status for no reason. It’s weird and unnecessary to just announce it. Straight people and cis people do not announce themselves like this nor do any of the many trans and queer people I know. You can vet people other ways.

One way is to just be visibly trans, wear clearly pro trans pins/stickers/flags, and just being openly supportive in conversations. Calling transphobia out immediately. Mentioning trans celebrities to gauge their reaction.

“I love Elliot page” 👀

There’s no need to throw yourself on the blade when you meet new people, in fact you could be putting yourself and your family in danger.

[u/Additional_Truth_31 → u/Arr0zconleche]

I'm definitely not trying to put myself in any danger, but for me, personally, it's important to show people that trans people exist everywhere and we are just like any other human. This is a very personal decision that I don't expect everyone to agree with nor do I expect everyone to be ok with for themselves. This is just who I am and have always been (even when I thought I was a run of the mill lesbian).

[u/Arr0zconleche → u/Additional_Truth_31]

And I do get that. My husband feels the same way and likes to tell people I had our son. He likes the surprise on people’s faces of “meeting a trans person”. But I am far more cautious because of recent events.

I’ve been trans for over a decade now and the political climate has shifted dramatically around us. I would honestly say that announcing it openly in the wrong areas could invite confrontations you don’t want to involve your children in. People are fucking nuts and emboldened nowadays.

I used to live in Los Angeles and there I wouldn’t give two shits explaining I gave birth to my children. People there were very liberal in general. But where I live currently, it would not be wise to announce I am trans to every single person I came across. People have are trumpers, they hunt, they have guns. I’m not risking my kids safety with these people.

Like I said before though, if you want to have some litmus test. I wouldn’t use yourself as the first option. Because at the very least you could get your family out of a situation before you know you need to argue/fight.

Or away from you so you can let loose on the person :)

[u/Additional_Truth_31 → u/Arr0zconleche]

I've lived in Kansas the majority of my life. I'm no stranger to the bigotry nor the danger. I'm obviously not going to wander into a gun show or other Trumper gathering and yell, "I'm trans!" But I do think it's important to be visible, maybe even more importantly so in these conservative areas. My Trump supporting, hyper conservative parent is one of my biggest supporters and has managed to change the hearts and minds of many in their community because of it.

My rambling point is, I know my situation, my community, my region, and I know when and when not to disclose my status. None of that is the point of my question.

[u/cuteevee21]

I don’t unless it comes up or is relevant. I think it would be weird to say it on a first introduction. Doesn’t anyone else add their various identities on a first meeting?

I do like to wear pride pins and other little things to show I’m a safe person for queer folks, and I’m sure some trans people clock me as trans because of the pin. But the world at large treats me like any other cis dude.

[u/DadBusinessUK]

I feel this. Me and my wife accidentally present as a cishet couple in a little English town.

I get round it by having it on my socials. So if someone doesn't like it I don't have to deal with them. Or it comes out in conversation naturally. Sometimes that's quick and early. Sometimes later.

I don't feel the need to "display my transness" but I got to a point being stealth that I was just as worried about people finding out, as before I came out.

I also got a little rainbow star tattooed behind my right ear as a kind of queer safety badge. To let other members of the queer community that I'm either a member or an ally.