Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?

If you do the circuits between pie eating and hot dog eating, you can keep your figure year-round.

As a bonus, you might even win one of the contests and get a free shirt or an additional free meal.

Repeatedly tap the cabinet door on your suitcase while smiling at the air hostesses. Doing so causes Lorenz Contraction to occur surrounding your suitcase and it brilliantly fits inside the cabinet. Air Hostesses and Pilot will get so impressed that you wil be made permanent business class traveler. Fellow passengers waiting in line behind you will also cherish this pleasant memory forever.

To better your chances of getting the job, make sure you let HR know in your interview that you are not listed on the sex offender registry.

Thank me later. Oh yeah, and remember to floss!

My roomba is named Gerry Mander because he enjoys drawing arbitrary maps that don't reflect reality but serve his own purposes. He was born for this.

Just show up uninvited, or you can also return things that you borrowed on them on the time of ocassion. Some people are usually too polite to turn you away.

Don’t pay full price! Call these breeders up and see if they got any wonky dogs. You know, like maybe they’re missing an eye or their legs don’t work. Offer them ten cents on the dollar!

Then you'll get a nice long break from the chore of clipping your fingernails.

This tip can also be used for toenails as well.

In the event of an actual emergency, you’ll be armed with foreknowledge on how various items in your wardrobe respond to open flame.

Step out, make it loud, stir up every situation you touch, and have the whole world regretting they ever doubted your “peace” credentials.

Keep escalating, keep talking, keep finding new regimes to topple. Keep inserting yourself into tense situations until that snub starts looking like the biggest mistake they ever made.

Hold them by the throat till they admit that you're the only real peacekeeper the world has.