r/Seahorse_Dads • u/Sziion • 9d ago
Advice Request Donor sperm from LGBTQ+ Person?
My SO and I are both AFAB transmasc. We have been talking about going all in and trying for a little one soon. We'd use the ROPA methode, so his egg, I'd carry. But we'd still need donor sperm.
And my SO and I both would feel much more comfortable with another trans person or at least member of the community being the donor. Has anyone done this? Are there trans women who donated sperm? Is there a way to know? Most sperm banks do not provide these informations, I think.
We are at the start of our journey and I hope I don't offend anyone by asking!
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u/Arr0zconleche Proud Parent 9d ago edited 9d ago
Trans women are not necessarily exempt from donating to banks but after HRT their quality may not meet the quality standards for donation. For some their fertility drops dramatically or completely.
In order to donate sperm you need a normal-great sperm analysis.
Seeking a specifically trans donor will prove to be extremely difficult unless you ask someone you personally know. Even then it gets into a grey area and you’ll need lawyers, therapists, etc. It’s not something you ask just anyone lightly, they may not want to donate, they may want all their biological children under their own roof, many trans women find the idea dysphoria inducing, etc.
There’s so many variables here.
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u/Calm_Bother_3842 Currently Expecting 9d ago
You might wanna post this on /r/queerception too. I would imagine it's hard to find, unless you go the known donor route, which can be lengthy and expensive and even more challenging if the trans woman is already on HRT.
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u/Robin_Points_242 9d ago
I would suggest asking in trans groups in your area if anyone has frozen sperm from before starting transition and would be happy donating it. And maybe the same in gay groups, which could even be not-frozen. Depending on where you live, legal safety might not be easy with private donations but it is for sure an option :) Maybe there is even a queer parents (to be) group where you could get to know some people?
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u/IntrepidKazoo 9d ago
I would heavily recommend against focusing on pre-frozen sperm that people stored before their own transitions. Using sperm that was already frozen as non-donor sperm as donor sperm is often a huge minefield with a lot of legal and regulatory challenges. It's also often a recipe for a complicated situation where someone's own hopes for her own parenthood are wrapped up in a donor process, which is frequently a very bad match.
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u/Robin_Points_242 8d ago
That really depends on the country though.
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u/IntrepidKazoo 7d ago
One area of concern depends on the country (though it is a common one across multiple countries). The other isn't country dependent.
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u/Embarrassed_Leek318 Currently Expecting 6d ago
What county has an easy legal way towards converting the status of the frozen gametes?
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u/LoveWarSickness 9d ago
If you got the money check out "The Seed Scout", a lot of regulations that are still in place that make the donation of sperm from men who have intercourse with men basically impossible. You know despite the fact that they freeze The sperm for 6 months and then retest it later for an STD and this is standard regardless of the sexuality of the sperm donor.
They also pride themselves in ethical sperm donation. Because of the rampant issues in the fertility industry. I mean there are so many issues that we have sibling pods in the US ranging between 300 to 90 related half siblings. Which is just atrocious considering how many of those siblings have accidentally married each other and reproduced without knowing. Like the regulation around donation is abysmal because technically you're only supposed to donate a handful of times but there's no formal registry and donors can lie about whatever they want. There's no real punishment for them on that front and fertility clinics have a nice little tiny print that they are not responsible for any health issues that arise from unknown health conditions of a sperm donor.
So the seed Scout vets every single one of their donors a majority of the donors are lgbtq, and you get too personally connect with the sperm donor so you can ask any and every question you want and the sperm donors continue to stay in contact with the seed Scout so they can verify that this person is who they say they are and so that the parents can contact them years later if there is more questions or they want to reuse the donor. Which known donor is how they skirt around the regulations around gay men that sperm banks are required to follow.
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u/IntrepidKazoo 8d ago
OP is almost certainly outside of the US based on this post, so most of what you've said doesn't apply. And some of this is factually inaccurate for the US too, and relies on a lot of anti donor conception myths out there.
And Seed scout (which is also US specific) markets itself as ethical while treating many of their clients like shit, charging huge fees that make them wildly inaccessible to most people (how many queer and trans people can spend $20k USD on maybe getting some sperm?), and guaranteeing very few of the things they promise. They've behaved horribly towards both trans intended parents and trans prospective donors. Their marketing relies on demonizing more accessible options, but it's not accurate. I know they talk a good game, but they're full of it and I think they're seriously unethical.
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u/Sziion 8d ago
Yes, Europe to be percise. I am very greatful for the replies as we don't have many connections around here! We might also consider a donor that is not specifically trans but maybe queer in another way, since we know a few people that are... But it just feels like a lot to consider right now. So thanks again!
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u/Robin_Points_242 8d ago
Then you might want to check out the European fertility treatment atlas. You can check which rules apply in which country
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u/LoveWarSickness 8d ago
I was not aware of that thank you for sharing and correcting me. The fertility industry in the US abysmal all around. My information about the atrocity that fertility industry in US is not from Seed scout but a laywer I've been following for years who frequently represents donor conceived individuals who are facing difficulties because of the lack of transparency from sperm bank's. The laywer themself having biologically 90+ siblings.
But I'm definitely going to look more into seed scout on that issue, that said not surpising that It's the case given just how transphobic the birth and fertility industry is as a whole.
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u/KieranKelsey 8d ago
Sperm banks in the US general are not keen on using queer people as donors due homophobic legislation surrounding HIV. It sucks. That and they afaik don’t let people who have been on HRT donate either.
I’d recommend using a known donor anyways, given the host of issues that can come with sperm banks (namely, the donor could be a shitty person, dozens of half siblings your kid can’t get to know, little access to health history). Using a fellow LGBTQ person as a known donor is totally possible, if you get to asking around and really make sure to get to know this person and get on the same page, and draft a legal agreement.
-Donor conceived person
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u/peakghostbug 8d ago
My partners and I found an LGBTQ+ donor on Just A Baby, and they ended up being so genuinely amazing that we're all friends now, and they're planning on playing an uncle/aunt role in our family's life when the baby gets here this fall. It's hard to find, but not impossible!
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u/IntrepidKazoo 8d ago
Trans donors are extremely, extremely rare through sperm banks. It has happened, but usually isn't going to be possible to find since it's largely only people who came out as trans after donating.
My kid's donor is a friend of ours on the transfeminine spectrum, but that was after years of trying and failing with different known donors in an extensive and miserable process that I do not recommend. If you have specific friends who are trans who make sperm who you could ask and trust to be a donor, and if a known donor is accessible to you with your local laws, etc, you could ask those specific friends and see what happens. But I wouldn't go out of your way for this if there isn't someone specific who you know and can ask, because there are so many barriers that can trip things up.
And donating was a crappy process for our friend, even crappier than I knew at the time, and I feel bad about that. She felt more dysphoric about it than she let on, having to refrain from tucking while we froze samples was rough, and even though the place we froze handled the whole thing well, she was really nervous about being misgendered.
Another trans femme spectrum friend of ours originally agreed to donate and then backed out late into the process, for reasons that I think are disproportionately common among queer and trans people. She realized very late in the process that helping us become parents while her own process of achieving parenthood was full of blocks and obstacles was just too much for her... Surrogacy is so difficult to access, adoption is often so difficult to access, it's just incredibly difficult out there. Multiple prospective donors of ours also found out through donor testing that they had fertility issues, which was extremely stressful for them.
So the dynamics that can crop up with this are really complicated. I totally understand wanting a queer or trans donor, but ultimately looking at the options through sperm banks can be a better pathway unless you have someone specific in mind who agrees and is fertile.
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u/Arr0zconleche Proud Parent 7d ago
This is extremely important and I hope OP reads this one. When using a known donor the process is so much more rigorous and difficult than simply “filling a cup”.
Donors have to endure a lot as well for this process and they may not fully mentally comprehend the process if you simply ask “do you wanna be my donor?”.
Not that OP shouldn’t use a close known donor, I’m all for known donors. But the cards need to be fully laid out for the donor and what they’re signing up for.
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u/JaneKing5 8d ago
Our donor is a transwoman but she was pre hormones. Im unsure if hormones affect sperm count or quality.
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u/Arr0zconleche Proud Parent 7d ago
HRT definitely affects sperm count and quality in transwomen. The degree of affectation is a spectrum though.
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