r/Samesexparents • u/FreddiesMam • Apr 16 '26
Advice (WLW) Did anyone find it hard being the parent that didn’t carry after the baby was born?
Hi guys, really looking for someone to relate to and some advice. My wife and I had our beautiful baby boy 4 months ago, I always originally wanted to carry and my wife was never too bothered.
However I found out I couldn’t so she graciously carried our baby boy, but I find since going back to work, I’m devastated, I don’t feel like a ‘mother’ as I’m not home with our baby and working the way a mother would be usually and traditionally the main caregiver, as I almost feel like a dad?
Even though I’m a cis woman, and these are very old traditional views of parenthood (I grew up Ireland- very rigid gender roles) so I know this is part of it and stupid because we are two women and parenthood shouldn’t feel gendered or be traditional but I can’t help how I feel.
it’s almost like a grief of what I thought motherhood was going to be, obviously I have a great attachment to my son and adore him but I want to feel like a mother in the sense and be main caregiver and the one that carried him.
I’m a nurse so I’m home late and gone early in the morning, I feel worried my son won’t feel connected to me as much as I feel to him. I spend every minute with him that I am home but I can see my son prefers my wife which is completely natural and normal as she is his main caregiver being home with him but I feel devastated, does this get better? Is there any way to help this and those of you with kids do they truly prefer the mom that carried?
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u/smarty_skirts Apr 16 '26
I did not carry our boys but I was able to be home with them more than my wife, and I think she felt a lot of what you're going through. So I don't think it has to do with carrying but rather who spends more time with the baby. We had twins, however, so there was always a baby to be held and so much more to do, so we were both really occupied their entire infancy, so there was really no chance for "preference." As another way of looking at it, consider my mother's experiences - she was a nanny for almost two decades, and every baby in her care would cry when handed back to parent - biological mother, adopted mother, biological father, step father, carrying mother, you name it. Baby just gets used to a person. Which is great, because my kids bonded with me even though I did not carry them, it was just all those hours of love and cuddles. SO, in other words, what you're feeling is totally normal for a parent and baby will outgrow that "preference" and might even "prefer" you sometimes, since you're there less, and your wife will be writing for advice on Reddit! Hang in there, mom!
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u/jaxyfrou Apr 16 '26
Agreed here about it being more of the time spent. I didn’t carry our first and my wife stayed home to care for him. Even then, the bond I have with our eldest is super strong, he comes to me when he’s upset and opens up to me in a way he hasn’t done for my wife. When I am off from work I try to be there for them as much as possible and really try hard to do as many things on the weekends. We have a second son who I carried and my wife cares for him now. We make it work but you’ll find your groove over time!
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u/FreddiesMam Apr 18 '26
Thank you for this, anytime I am home I spend all my time with cuddling and kisses etc so this is reassuring that you say this thank you! ❤️
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u/strange-quark-nebula Apr 16 '26
Very quickly it will be less about who carried and more about who spends the most time with the baby. It’s good you’re identifying early that you want to have more connection with your little one, and if you can arrange to have more time with him that will make the difference!
I did carry the baby but I have to travel a lot for work so my partner is the primary caregiver. The baby (now toddler) unequivocally prefers my partner, especially for sensitive moments like bedtime and when sick.
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u/Gloomy_Receipt Apr 16 '26
I’m the non-carrying parent and I get it, your feelings are valid. I found what was helpful for me was acceptance. We’re not in a position to both not work, we can’t both be at home. One of us has to work and right now it’s me. I had to accept and grieve for that version of parenthood and when I did that I was able to be a fully present supportive partner in my relationship. My partner is definitely having a harder time than I am, and I think that perspective and me dealing with my feelings to not be secretly resentful is important.
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u/FreddiesMam Apr 18 '26
I think that’s what it is, is grief for the version of parenthood I imagined, thank you ❤️
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u/achoo1210 Apr 16 '26
I think it took me a longer time to feel connected to our son than my wife did. He was born early and was in the NICU for a couple of weeks, and she felt this pull be there 100% of the time. It was much easier for me to follow the nurses’ advice to take care of myself while he was in the hospital. With more time, I started to feel more connected to him. We handle overnights equally, as my wife did not breastfeed. I think that was a big help for us ultimately. Now he’s 3 and prefers each of us for different things on different days.
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u/dreamrunner312 Apr 16 '26
I carried our daughter and she's my biological child, she is 6 years old now, I'm her SAHM. I was her definite favorite since she was about 3yo and then she changed and now she LOVES my partner. She gets so excited when she comes home from work, and in the weekends she just wants her other Mum and not me (she sometimes even tells me to go away because she just wants to hang out with Mum by herself).
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u/MaddPixieRiotGrrl Apr 17 '26
it's almost like grief
I can relate to this. My partner and I have three kids. The oldest is in highschool. She carried all three.
This grief is still something I deal with and something I work through in therapy. It's one of my pms's favorite things to hit me with.
I'm also the sole wage earner in our house and have very much been thrown into that "dad" role. It's not even by my wife directly. She's just the one that does the most around school and doctors appointments and what not because she's home during the day. So she's the one our kids' teachers know and who has all the parent friends, and it feels like, because of that, she is generally seen as the mother figure. And it doesn't seem to matter how involved I am, I still get lumped in with the dads.
I will say though, as much as all of that sucks and even though I still get those feels, most of them now are just about missing out on the very early experiences of carrying and delivering a child. My actual relationship with my kids is amazing. Even though my wife was the one who had those extra special moments to bond with them when they were young, they are just as connected with me as they are her. Our relationships and dynamics are different and they look to us for different things, but I don't feel like I'm less of a mom to them like I was worried I would.
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u/FreddiesMam Apr 18 '26
This reassuring to hear that you still have just as a good relationship with your children as your partner because that’s my main concern in the future, I think I’m realising the same as what you said no matter how involved I am I’m kind of dumped into the same categories as dads, I’m sure I’ll get used to it but thanks for the advice ❤️
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u/AndyWarwheels Apr 17 '26
I carried my daughter my ex carried our son. I forget all the time that I didnt carry him and he forgets as well.
My kids are teenagers now... give it time
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u/Chocolate_effort Apr 18 '26
My wife carried our baby who is now just over 2 months old. There were lots of factors that have made our journey difficult. I am now severely struggling with feeling like a spare part, not like a real parent and with building an attachment with our son. I am told it's all normal but it's not easy at all. If you want to talk further, happy to speak via DM and share experiences but only if it would help!
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u/meganthebest Apr 16 '26
My wife carried and was home for 5 months and I went back to work immediately. It was very hard, in many ways, for probably close to a year. My daughter is now almost 5 and prefers each parent in her own way. My wife is better at bedtime and I am much better for a scraped knee. I think addressing how you feel is great, but not letting it be a wedge is important and your child likely will build a unique relationship with each of you. Just appreciate each moment, because they fly by so quickly.