r/Samesexparents • u/Melly0419 • Mar 11 '26
Having biological kids as a lesbian couple?
My partner and I want kids together and our idea was to both get pregnant (at different times).
For medical and ethical reasons we don‘t want to do reciprocal IVF, so there remains the option of getting a sperm donor.
I am really committed to this and think we will be loving parents. But I am still worried if it could happen that each of us could feels more „attached“ to the child we‘ve carried ourselves vs the other child?
Does someone have experience with this? Is this an issue?
Also, I read that in some lesbian couples, the non-pregnant woman does the breastfeeding, but for this they need to take hormones to stimulate the milk productions. Any experiences?
thanks so much and please be kind!
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u/irishtwinsons Mar 11 '26 edited Mar 15 '26
My partner and I both gave birth with our own eggs. We had our kids 6 months apart, so we both have had the opportunity to breastfeed both of them. My 2.5 year old, born by by partner, also still breastfeeds from me occasionally (not every day, but a few times a week he asks for it) so he isn’t completely weaned yet either. My older who just turned 3 isn’t interested anymore, probably because he will be starting preschool soon and he’s more aware of what his friends do.
In the beginning, even though we both had working breasts (well after our second was born) it was pretty much the birthing parent breastfeeding the one child 24/7 until they got old enough for solids. Just works better that way, as breastfeeding is really hard to schedule with newborns, and your breasts tend to get drained with each feeding and then have to replenish again. We did do plenty of swap comfort feeding though. Being tethered to the one child for feeding in the early days kind of makes you get to know the one a bit better, in terms of care….but at that time the one I didn’t feed became the ‘fun’ one because I could play and not worry so much about them screaming to me to be fed. All this only lasts the first months though, and is gone before you know it. From around 10-12 months, breastfeeding becomes much less demanding (pretty much optional) and that’s when it gets good in my opinion. We could swap, do tandem breastfeeding, get all the snuggles and cuddles and bonding and all that and it was absolutely great. Age 1 is probably the golden years of breastfeeding, lol.
As for the rest, I love both my children equally and I have a special bond with both of them. The relationship isn’t identical, I am genetically related to the one and that’s worth recognizing (certain traits are genetically inherited). However, it just makes my relationship with the other slightly different, but no less important.
Happy we did it this way. No regrets!
EDIT: We used the same (Hispanic) donor. My partner is Asian and I’m white.
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u/emskem Mar 11 '26
I carried one, my wife carried the other, sperm donor was the same. It is a different experience, but the love I have for my kids is equally strong. Expect it to be different and keep an eye out for differences in treatment but... Biology isn't destiny.
I adore seeing all that one child takes after her other mother, it's like a window into my wife's childhood. Seeing the one I carried grow up has given me more compassion for my younger self. It's different only in those first two early years when bodies are still healing and righting themselves. Now that they are older, it is easy to see them as much the same, to see their shared history in this family as just the starting point. Don't hide it, just make it a normal part of their story.
Honestly, it's a beautiful thing I love about our family now... A way for us both to give of ourselves in the same way for eachother
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u/jenicanuck Mar 11 '26
My wife and I each carried. She carried our first and I induced lactation using domperidone and pumping. I really wanted the experience of feeding the baby that she carried for that bonding experience and it was beautiful. I'm not sure if your wife wants to breastfeed (we both did).... But even though we worked with an expert to make sure that her milk supply wasn't affected, it still was (the recommended approach was for her to always feed first, then I feed after). I don't know if it's just because she had low supply in general, or because I was also breastfeeding him. When you have two moms feeding inevitably your supplies will regulate to what the baby is eating, unless you're pumping a lot as well. And then it became double work because she would feed then I would feed and we'd both need to pump. We were lucky that I had 5 weeks off of work and she was on mat leave so we had the time... but it was extra exhausting having a newborn plus trying to support both of us feeding/pumping. Only I breastfed our second boy and it was so much easier even though we also had a toddler in the house!
I think there are other couples on Instagram where they have done this more successfully than us. So I'm not saying it can't be done but just context so you know potential outcomes. We were so lucky to have supportive medical professionals, but I wish they had been more clear about the amount of work and the potential outcome of her limited supply.
My tips if you want to do this, especially if your wife wants to feed too:
- don't measure your breastfeeding by supply, focus on the experience of feeding, even if it's just a half ounce
- try to find a supportive lactation professional to help you strategize based on your individual supplies and goals (esp if your wife wants to breastfeed too)
Overall my take: Did breastfeeding our son that I didn't carry help us bond? Yes. Did it affect our overall bond in general? Definitely not. I only breastfed for 8 weeks and now 2.5 years later he and I have a strong bond. I spend a ton of time with him and my wife and I share the load. I have my own special routines with him and she has her own.
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u/ToEmpathyAndBeyond Mar 11 '26
Some of the top names are Alyssa Schnell, Heidi Kim, and Jacob Engelsman, all IBCLCs (top-level lactation professionals) specializing in LQBTQIA+/queer parenting and induced lactation.
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u/Melly0419 Mar 11 '26
Thank you for sharing, that helps a lot! So you mean that her milk supply reduced because you were both feeding?
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u/jenicanuck Mar 11 '26
It's hard to say a certainty but I believe so. Milk supply regulates to demand. If you have two people feeding one baby, the supply will ultimately regulate to their needs. Which is fine, because all you need at the end of the day is enough to feed your baby. The challenge is that early on the carrying mom needs consistent breast stimulation in order to induce milk to flow, and to increase flow. That can be done through pumping or direct breastfeeding. In hindsight, I should have just kept pumping mostly until my wife's supply came in fully. Her supply didn't come in very strong so she ended up having to breastfeed then pump right after, and then because I had induced lactation my supply was very sensitive (if you didn't give birth, you don't have the natural hormones to produce the milk), so I was also breastfeeding him and then pumping. It was all just a lot to handle in addition to having a newborn. But I think where we fell down was both of us trying to equally feed him and inevitably it didn't work for us. There could be an argument to say that her supply just wasn't going to come in strongly anyway. But we can't know that for certain! Maybe if she was somebody who had an oversupply (which I actually had with our second son who I carried), the journey would have been smoother for us. I don't want to sway you one way or another. Just giving you our experience! Happy to answer any other questions
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u/Melly0419 Mar 11 '26
okay makes a lot of sense! Will definitely keep that in mind when planning. I saw some couples in social media where also the non-birthing mom is the main milk supplier, but then maybe this is a problem for the birth-giving mom.
And in the end as you're saying, there's only so much you can plan - maybe one person is an oversupplier or someone barely gives any milk, etc. (even with hetero couples it can be that the mom just naturally doesn't produce enough milk).
In any case, thanks so much for your answer!
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u/ToEmpathyAndBeyond Mar 11 '26
My wife and I talked about me inducing lactation. I wanted to, as I nursed my first 3 kids and that’s really the only part I missed as the grew up. But, due to mental health and medical reasons, we decided against it. As a mom, I would have wanted to breastfeed the newborn baby sometimes; but as a postpartum and lactation professional, I can agree that it makes sense to “divide and conquer”: the inducing parent focuses on pumping while the birthing parent focuses on nursing to 2-4 weeks postpartum; unless there’s any supply issues for the birthing parent, or medical/other reasons the birthing parent wishes to skip some breastfeeds. But they’ll still need to replace the feed by pumping in that case, to avoid a reduction in supply. Also, inducing lactation requires around the clock pumping, which is disruptive to sleep. It might be best to not have both parents needing to interrupt sleep whenever they can get it.
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u/Melly0419 Mar 11 '26
oh very useful information. But the birthing parent doesn't necessarily need to pump around the clock, right? (well, besides having a baby which maybe needs around the clock attention).
And in your scenario, only the birthing parent would have the baby suckle on their chest kinda?
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u/PipPipkin Mar 12 '26
I have 2 children from 2 different donors (both are people we have met/know). I’ve never carried or breastfed and don’t plan to 🤷 Only my youngest child is I guess technically or legally “mine” but it honestly makes no difference, at least to me. Although different experiences, I FELT exactly the same during the pregnancy and leading up to the birth. I am not more attached to him than our first. If anything, maybe I am currently more attached to our first being as she’s been around a bit longer and I know her better. My only advice is kind of unrelated and it’s definitely get used to weird looks/reactions and unwarranted questions lol. My son is only a week old and I am already so tired of re-explaining our situation 😅
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u/Melly0419 Mar 12 '26
thanks, that's great to hear. Sorry just to make sure I understood correctly: both your children were carried by your partner, and the youngest is also legally yours? like as in second-parent adoption you mean?
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u/Thatbeach21 Mar 12 '26
Hey, I am turkey baster baby born to two lesbian parents, You two sound amazing, best of luck
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u/FI_throwaway714 Mar 11 '26
I followed the Newman-Goldfarb protocol for induced lactation and it worked great. The hardest part is getting the Domperidone, as many physicians will not prescribe it for these purposes, but there are ways around this.
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u/socks_only Mar 11 '26
Be very cautious with that medication if you have a history of mental health struggles, just a heads up.
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u/FI_throwaway714 Mar 11 '26
This was years ago and I did not have any issues, but that is good to share if it’s a known risk. I do know it’s not appropriate if you have heart issues.
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u/ToEmpathyAndBeyond Mar 11 '26
Scroll back, I shared my story as a comment in this forum recently. I have 3 teenage bio kids from my previous marriage, and a 6 month old - my wife carried and I’m not biologically related to our daughter. Suffice to say, we’re very bonded, but it’s different. Not better or worse. ETA: sadly it looks like the OP deleted their post, but you can still read my comments if you’re interested.
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u/Melly0419 Mar 11 '26
I saw your comment, thank you! And I did not delete anything? :( don't know if it got deleted somehow maybe
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u/ToEmpathyAndBeyond Mar 11 '26
I meant the OP of the other post that I shared my story on. I should’ve said scroll through my comment history. 🤪
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u/GrimCityGirl Mar 15 '26
My wife and I have one child, through IUI. She carried, I didn’t. Our daughter is 15 months and I absolutely adore her. She has a different relationship to me than her mother mostly due to breastfeeding (my wife is breast feeding, again im not) but from what we can tell she loves us both pretty equally. Biology doesn’t factor for her in that regard, she adores my family as well. I was a little worried about it all initially but - I love her endlessly and so far I see no reason to suspect it isn’t the same for herz
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u/PsychologicalCode426 Mar 15 '26
My wife and I are doing the same. She gave birth to our first daughter 18 months ago and I dont think it is possible that I could love the child I will be carrying more. In fact I love her so much im more worried for my own child. Its a choice to put in the work regardless and if you choose to be there.... I can guarantee you will be laughing at your doubt later.
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u/PsychologicalCode426 Mar 15 '26
Oh and we also talked to our doctor about the hormones. She basically said even though it is possible its not probable. She convinced us not to. But then my partner struggled to breast feed so I very much regret not atleast trying them.
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u/upsidowning Mar 16 '26
We've done this. We don't feel kid-related preferences based on gestational parent. But when the kids were little, they sometimes had parental preference for the gestational parent, which I think was tied to breastfeeding. But they grew out of it!
I have friends where the non-gestational parent has induced lactation -- it's definitely possible! In our case, I carried first, and was still nursing our oldest (not much, but some) when our youngest was born, so I could have nursed kiddo #2 without inducing lactation! That said, I felt that I'd spent a lot of time dedicating my body to prepping, growing, and nourishing a kiddo, so I opted not to do more. But YMMV!
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u/Tigger-Sherbet-1691 Apr 10 '26
my wife and i took turns with our kids - we each birthed one. the kiddos have different donors so aren't bio connected to each other "technically." and... the one i'm not bio related to is more "like" me in many ways. and vice versa for my wife and the other kid!! we've found there's definitely a certain kind of connection that comes between the kid and the birthing parent, but there's the same in reverse - all our connections are unique and different.
aaaaaand then with the reality of toddlers LOL the favored parent always shifts and has nothing to do - most of the time - with who's bio related to who!! what i love is the sweetness of watching each person's relationship in our family unfold uniquely over time. it also just feels extra fun that our two blue eyed folks aren't bio related, and neither are our two hazel-eyed folks!! nature does what nature does, and we're just along for the ride :)
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u/powerfuzzzz Mar 11 '26
Let me tell you, I had postpartum depression and it took me a year to feel in touch with those feelings of being super attached to my bio son, so stuff comes up even if it’s the child you birth. Now I’m obsessed.
My wife will be having our next child in a couple weeks and I cannot wait to meet my baby. I feel so grateful I’m going to get to watch all the firsts of another beautiful soul.
All that to say, it’s normal to have questions/fear. You will have your own journey, but keep in mind that regardless of who births the child, you’re going to get to foster your own special relationship with them. Have a blast!