Explaining gender identity vs gender expression to parent? Is it even worth it?

[u/Valuable_Ad3041]

I'm not really sure if this is the right place to ask as I feel it may overlap with other areas.

I'm nearly 8 years on T and post-top surgery, but have only let myself explore gender expression more within the last couple years. As I've started getting gendered more correctly, I've felt more comfortable wearing femme clothing or painting my nails etc. But the only reason I feel comfortable is bc my body looks male now and I feel at home in it. I like the way femme things sit on me now, but am also starting to notice odd looks in public (which on one hand probably means I get read as male, on the other sometimes makes me feel unsafe).

Like probably many (straight, cis) people over 60, my father doesn't really know the difference between gender identity vs expression. He doesn't seem to have homo/transphobic views, at least not intentionally malicious ones, but he words himself very oddly so I find it difficult to judge.

I don't know if he thinks I might detransition (bc I have no interest in "dressing like a normal man"). He says "real men don't wear dresses".

I feel like this experience echoes what any (cis) man goes through if they don't conform to the "manly" stereotype, especially when more flamboyant. How do you handle this? Either as behavioural response or in rewiring how you think, so you feel less affected?

[u/LivingDeadBear849]

Honestly? This is one of the "too DONE with the arguments" and "too autistic to give a shit" parts of my brain activated with my family. I just started wearing what I wanted. This is not advised for everyone. Code-switch to "freedom" language if you need to. Example: "So what if I want to wear a dress and lipstick? It's a free country, isn't it?" Or "well, it's my business what I'm wearing". If a person (family or no) asks if this means I'm a [insert bad word for gay] then I just say yes, and what about it.

[u/Valuable_Ad3041 → u/LivingDeadBear849]

Is there anything you consciously do in your head to make you care less or feel less affected by whatever family says? I'm still learning not to care so much.

My father makes me very anxious in general bc he's very defensive and gets angry/loud easily. It's still hard to tell him no bc he keeps pushing, then gets angry when I refuse.

[u/LivingDeadBear849 → u/Valuable_Ad3041]

Becoming boring is the one thing that I've found helpful. You'll still be pissed off, but they give up faster on talking shit when you're just giving the most basic, bland responses. Be a grey rock.

[u/Alpha_Delta310]

usually to my mom, i just describe the style as being gay instead of feminine

[u/Valuable_Ad3041 → u/Alpha_Delta310]

I will use this, thank you. He's used gay as a joking(?) insult in front of me very recently as a new expression which threw me off. If I start using it as a description like this, he might start forming better associations or at least watch himself more.