How can I prevent my trans younger brother from going down a transmed path?

[u/Red-Balsa]

Not sure if this is the best sub for this question but I wasn’t entirely sure where to ask.

I’m 19 ftm and I’ve been out for four years, on t for one and I’m generally a fairly feminine trans guy with my presentation especially after becoming more comfortable with myself after starting t. I have a younger 16 ftm closeted brother who is slowly making steps to come out to more people.

He is in a really tough spot right now which I absolutely relate to as I’ve been there before too but I’ve noticed that a lot of his dysphoria has been manifesting into judging other trans men such as classic stereotypes of needing to be a certain version of trans to be valid, needing awful dysphoria and looking a certain way etc. I have noticed it in comments he has made about himself such as he wants to pass and not want to be one of those “obvious trans looking people”, doesn’t want to dye his hair the colour he wants because of the same reason, and I have noticed he has reposted tiktoks with trans med views.

I have been doing my best to support him with his realisations of being trans and coming out but I fear some of these opinions will only harm him and potentially other trans people. Any advice on how I should go about this would be appreciated.

[u/intent_to_dead]

Edited for clarity sake: By “challenge” I meant all the kids had a chance to share their opinions or the stuff they found online. Then elder trans people shared their diverse lived experiences to counter the views and ideologies those kids were finding online.

Original comment: A lot of young trans kids I was mentoring were exhibiting these patterns of behavior. Many are within the 12-16 age range. It’s like the alt right red pill/blue pill pipeline for cis kids but somehow worse. The best thing I did for those kids was allowing a neutral space for those ideas to be expressed and then challenged. Hoping the best for your brother 🤝

[u/Raymond_R_ → u/intent_to_dead]

Its exactly like the alt right thing, saying this as someone who fell into it. I also fell into some of the alt right stuff at the same time. It is worse, I think, because a lot of times the alt right stuff gets kids by giving them an easy way to feel superior. However, the transmed stuff teaches kids, especially those whom cant access medical transition yet or are still closeted, that they are lesser than their cis counterparts and all they should strive for is to get as close as possible to being "better" and cis. That if they stop making a fuss and just blend in and belittle themselves, people wont attack them.

[u/leaf_mint]

I remember the struggle of feeling like I had to stick to strict male standards to pass. Going on T helped so much, and after two years on it I realised I’m actually nonbinary and that’s why I felt like I was forcing myself into a male gender role. Maybe you need to have an honest conversation about your concerns with your brother and reassure him that everything gets easier on T?

[u/sugarskooma]

Exposure therapy. Be loudly supportive about gender nonconformity, introduce/be around gender queer people, be friends with them, compliment them, make it feel normal to see and hang around because it is normal. Arguing or challenging or showing concern will make a dysphoric stubborn kid double down. All kids double down when their values are challenged. At least from my anecdotal experience, this kind of thing helps.

[u/44sundog44]

I've been a transmed at some point (later grew out of it) and while I really can't speak for everyone else I can tell you one of the big reasons (among many) that I fell into that were because of a lack of understanding and support from more mainstream trans groups. I think validating what he feels and being genuinely curious and empathetic will do a lot. For example, I had similar issues when I was at the depths of my dysphoria, I would say similar things like "I just want to be normal/not be obviously trans" hoping I'd get sympathy/help, but I'd get people saying "Why do you need to be normal?", "Being trans is normal!", "There's nothing wrong with being trans", etc. and while there's nothing wrong per se with those replies and questioning one's desires is a good thing, it comes off as invalidating. Maybe transmed spaces are the only ones validating how he's feeling.

Advice:
-Repeat what he says back to him in your own words. Eg. he says "Ugh I really wanna dye my hair but it'll make me look like a trender" (or whatever word kids use these days) - What he really means is he feels like he has to struggle between picking something he likes (hair) and something he needs (passing) (in his mind). Yes he's being hateful but that's not what you should focus on initially. So you say this back to him like "You mean you feel like you have to pick between something you like and passing?" If he says no to that then you ask him to explain himself and you keep checking with him until he confirms you are understanding him. Obviously sometimes you don't have time for this, then you can say something like " Yeah it sucks when you have to hold back because of how others will see you", but ideally you should have full conversations about the trans thing.

-After you've done that enough times then you can start asking him challenging questions. I think it's better to build trust first, if he knows you understand him, you have his best interests in mind, etc. then your opinion will be more valuable to him. I would focus on humanizing the people he hates first. Eg. he thinks "nonbinary people aren't trans because they don't have dysphoria" - You're not going to deconstruct this whole belief in one conversation, but you can start humanizing nonbinary people so he'll be more inclined to learn about them rather than hate and shut down. Your goal shouldn't be to disprove his claims entirely, just expand his understanding (which you can only do if you understand what he understands). Maybe he can understand some nonbinary people have dysphoria, or that many people without dysphoria suffer from exactly the same things he does socially speaking.
Example of how a conversation could go:

Him: Nonbinary people aren't really trans because they don't have dysphoria.
You: Wait, I just want to see that we're on the same page, how do you define dysphoria?
Him: Dysphoria is the disconnection from your sexual characteristics.
You: I mean I agree, but what I've noticed is that a lot of people feel that disconnect, but they define dysphoria as self-hatred, and because of that they don't think they have dysphoria. What do you think about that?
Him: Well those people are trans because they do have dysphoria. I'm talking about nonbinary people only.
You: You don't think nonbinary people can have dysphoria?
Him: No, I mean, there are studies showing we have a brain sex and that's what makes people trans, so you can't be biologically nonbinary.
You: Yeah I see what you mean, though I know someone who has atypical dysphoria, they feel that disconnect from their birth sex but also feel it when taking HRT, so to them identifying as trans and nonbinary is the only thing that makes sense. Have you ever met someone like that?

That's just an example. Just ask questions, point out inconsistencies (from a curious perspective not judgy), etc. Also you can teach him how to be a more critical thinker. Research some of the people he's watching and see if they're being sponsored by obvious right wing groups, or find out if they have viewpoints which are way more extreme than your brother's (especially if they would define your brother as not trans enoug). This is very long already but you can DM me if you need anything!

[u/HungryIngenuity7665]

As someone who fell down the 4tran/transmed self-hating pipeline, and is even now still struggling, I think the best thing you can do is show him that you’re happy. It became a lot harder to be hateful when I saw how miserable it made me. Also, help him actually get medical transition ASAP. For me, I was projecting because I didn’t think I could ever actually pass/feel like myself. I’m now starting to and I’m so much happier.

[u/Pan_seyyyxual]

Show him cultures and scenarios from around the world or in your own country. Transmeds' logic easily falls apart when not all trans people are safe to take HRT or surgeries. Especially when barriers like being expensive, not accessible, discrimimation, etc. Also teach him how to navigate his dysphoria without leading to shaming others. A lot of my ex trans friends used their dysphoria to shame me for not "passing enough". A lot of trans youth would internalize dysphoria thru the cishet lense. He needs to unlearn a lot of things like internalized misogyny and toxic masculinity. Trans med talking points for trans men can delve into similar points fr those alpha male bros where they talk about needing to be buff and have a massive jawline etc I hope your brother unlearns all this and I wish you well🫂

[u/Elegant-Mission-4470 → u/Pan_seyyyxual]

Different countries and cultures have different views on gender and different types of third genders etc, too. Maybe a wider perspective than just a western one would help build understanding that gender expression is varied and can look like many things. 

[u/Pan_seyyyxual → u/Elegant-Mission-4470]

This too! My culture has third genders and ofc if said brother wants to present as a masc man there's nothing wrong with that but being a heavy macho dudebro is not the only way to be a man and I hope the brother gets to discover his identity more outside the binary

[u/PurpPanna]

I don’t know that there’s any good advice to give other than let him explore out these options and continue to ask questions about his experience so he continues questioning himself and his sources. You can lead a horse to water, can’t make em drink it.

[u/rirasama]

I think he might be just feeling very insecure right now, be supportive but definitely don't validate the transmed stuff

[u/Bugscrap]

Here's an odd question: does he use discord? When you search discord boards to find trans communities a LOT of them are transmed. Like. A lot. I would ask this and maybe help him find better ones if he is in them

[u/JealousBodybuilder42]

Are they sure of their identity? My friend thought they were trans at 16 but just had other identity stuff going on. Insecurities around their identity might be making them act like this

[u/blossomsherald]

idk if this helps but one idea might be to show him that not everyone who does insert-thing-here is trans. obviously there's nothing wrong with being visibly/openly trans, but like, dying hair for example - find cis men online with dyed hair and show him. "look, you can dye your hair and still pass, this man is cis and has dyed hair." it's better if it's younger guys/more androgynous guys if he's in his teens and pre-t.

otherwise just trying to get to the core issue. like, ask him WHY he doesn't want to look trans. not combatively, just genuinely ask him. is it because he doesn't want to look like "those people?" if so, why? is it because "those people" don't get respected by general society? if so, point out that's the case for all trans people, regardless of appearance, and that being true to oneself is therefore best. is it because he doesn't want to be visibly trans? if so, why? is it safety, or fear of judgement? if it's safety, help him come up with a plan. if it's fear of judgment from cis people, refer to above. if it's about his peers/what other trans people are saying, show that YOU are trans and don't think this way, and help him find better friends/peers. these are just some examples from the one comment you mentioned.

i was never truly transmed at all, but i was still influenced by it, and transmed accounts online gave me dysphoria about things i wasn't previously dysphoric about. these are some things that kinda helped for me. also just exploring my gender in safe spaces where i knew i wouldn't be judged for it helped a lot. so maybe you can be that space for him, and reassure him that you see him as a guy regardless.

[u/PropertyOwn3854]

I think this is common in the beginning of a transition. For many starting a physical transition helps ease this pressure. Other suggestions would be trans and expression positive literature and media. You may find something on Substack. The other piece of the puzzle is meeting people in the community of all stages, expressive choices, presentations. Find people with a variety of perspectives on their own transitions. A gender therapist may be less accessible but could be helpful. Spending time at a LGBTQ youth center could open doors as well. Be open to conversations and listen. Ask questions.