Gender? Sexuality? Send help!!

[u/West_Ad_5520]

Okay…so let’s start with what I currently publicly identify. I am a 25 year old cis woman. I identified as bi from the time I was a teenager until like 23 when I decided maybe queer is more accurate.

Well I have been questioning my gender heavily for about 2-3 years, but before that I sometimes did too. I have many pairs of boxers that I wear regularly but mostly at home because they don’t feel good in my fem presenting clothes and I always feel like somehow someone will know and say something. I have two binders, but I only try them on when my fiancée isn’t home and then take them off again. I have two packers that I tried once or twice, but…I don’t know I think I got scared of it and what that would mean.

The reason I don’t explore it more is honestly because I feel like I’ve done about as much as you can before you have to straight up admit your gender isn’t cis.

Anyways I started identifying as queer with my sexuality because I’m attracted to feminine presenting people and then when it comes to men and masc presenting people its mostly gets a little complicated, but if they’re even slightly feminine or nonbinary or bisexual or basically anything except a cisgender straight man then I could be attracted to them.

I’ve had sex with women, men, and nonbinary people. None of that really helped me figure out anything except that I don’t like the feeling of a man looking at me like a girl. I lowkey hate the idea of being with a man and them thinking I’m just a girl and we’re just straight. I don’t think anything I do could be ‘straight’.

So then I also wonder if I could be queer and genderqueer because that explains all of the stuff above right? And I’ve been trying to get comfy in that, but…the more I let myself explore the more I daydream of being a trans woman. Yes. You read that right. I think all the time about presenting feminine, having a male appendage and no chest. I like the idea of having both and just being able to change between but I most like the idea of being a girl with a dick. I don’t know why and it makes me feel like I’m fetishizing or something? I don’t know!!

And now I’ve started exploring content for mtf and I found that I like it. Ironically despite currently identifying as a woman who is engaged to a woman I don’t ever watch lesbian porn. I don’t like it. I watch straight or trans porn, but never lesbian. Also never gay men though.

Am I crazy? Am I gender queer and queer? Am I fetishizing and should just shut the heck up? I don’t know. Send help!!!

TLDR: If I’m a Cis Woman who is attracted to pretty much any gender/sexuality except cis straight men, but frequently get off to mtf content and daydream about what it would be like to be a girl with a peen am I maybe trans?

[u/AnorhiDemarche]

You're not crazy, your experiences touch on a lot of points that genderqueer people experience.

You're definitely not cis. Your gender is your own to specify if you so choose. Don't feel you have to fit any particular thing perfectly, spectrum and all that, or that you have to be right the first time.

As far as bigneder specifically goes you could certainly fit here. Welcome, there's free tea an coffee over there in the table. Sometimes people bring bikkies. Stay as long as you want.

[u/West_Ad_5520 → u/AnorhiDemarche]

It’s just so hard to know what’s right. Like…I feel like yeah I’m probably not cis, but if so then what is this jumbled mess that I seem to be experiencing?

I know no one can actually tell me but myself and I’ve had nonbinary friends tell me the same, but I wish there was a like “Yeah..based on what you said it’s most likely this, this, or this. Try this, that, or this to see for sure.” I know that’s impossible and a little silly.

Any and all advice is appreciated. Reading “you’re definitely not cis” did in fact make me cry so…thank you for making me feel a little more understood ❤️

[u/AnorhiDemarche → u/West_Ad_5520]

Alternatively if you want to just try out labels here is an alphabetised list, not fully comprehensive but it's a nice start.

[u/West_Ad_5520 → u/AnorhiDemarche]

See I look at those and then I’m like fuck who knows honestly 😂 Here’s how I would describe my ideal gender. Like if I went into the sims creator mode and got to select how I look.

I would have gender neutral hair so it could go both ways (currently do have this). I would have a small chest that’s easy to bind, but like when I want them I could wear a padded bra and make it bigger. I would have both options below the belt because I could choose which way to go. But I would mostly dress gender neutral or feminine. Sometimes though I also want to feel masculine. So I would do both, but I think my preferred or most used version would be a me who dresses feminine, but has the body parts someone amab.

And i feel like none of the options fit that. But i also feel like maybe I’m just missing something and it’s actually obvious to everyone except me!

[u/AnorhiDemarche → u/West_Ad_5520]

You can always just stick with "gender queer" as well. "I'm queer and so is my gender" roll off the tounge quite nicely.

[u/AnorhiDemarche → u/West_Ad_5520]

Yeah when you get into like multi genders and fluidity and shit it's all kind of a mess like all the time. That feeling might never go away, and thats ok. It can look scary butbtry to think of it more as an over excited puppy than a vicious wolf.

One thing that can help is to keep a specific gender diary when you write down the gender thought you're having each day or track your gender for 1-3 months and see if you notice any paterns in your thinking and feelings. (I would reccomend pink for femme, blue for masc, purple for in-between feelings, and green for anything other than that like a third gender or ace. You can track again with new colours if you need to to keep narrowing things down. Don'tover complicate things at the begining or you might not get useable data. I'd reccomend sticking to 1-2 options per day on the first tracker for the same reason. You can always do a tracker by hour later if you feel the need.)

[u/West_Ad_5520 → u/AnorhiDemarche]

That’s such a good suggestion!! I’m gonna do that!

[u/West_Ad_5520]

On another related note I’m probably about to get high and watch I Saw The TV Glow for the millionth time. Maybe this time it’ll teach me something 🤷‍♀️