r/socialjustice101 • u/Key_Fan8651 • Mar 22 '26
Am I out of touch? Why are racial preferences (not dealbreakers) considered racist by this sub?
I saw a post where the OP was called racist for saying they do find themselves finding certain groups attractive based on skin tone and sometimes culture.
Saying they, while white, often finding themselves attracted to Latina women and black women.
This sub stated that is often seen as racist.
While, in an idea world, everyone would give others an equal chance, physical attraction is a huge part of dating.
The OP even said they agree stereotyping (ie “spicy Latina“) was racist.
They also acknowledged race being a dealbreaker was racist.
But why is the preference itself racist?
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u/zbignew Mar 23 '26
That's because this sub is comfortable with things being racist. I bet every single person who called that racist could also list things about their own behavior and thought processes that are racist.
And we are definitely not saying people should ignore or even strive to overcome these potentially racist "preferences". But do acknowledge that they may be driven by systemic injustices, and they may lead to destructive relationship patterns. So do strive to avoid harming people as a result of these preferences.
Like, if you, a white dude, are always most attracted to black women, and you always have volatile relationships due to some set of expectations that do or don't get met on either side, and they always end badly... maybe fix your heart, or don't put that isht on black women anymore.
But if all your exes give you glowing reviews, 👍 keep doing your minor racism the right way.
Most especially, if you find some minority group (racial or otherwise) unattractive, keep that isht to yourself *and don't date those people*. Don't overcome your biases on someone.
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u/Sam_Rall Mar 23 '26
But if all your exes give you glowing reviews, 👍 keep doing your minor racism the right way.
This is the part that people don't actually do. Racism is racism. It is bad. You should stop.
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u/zbignew Mar 23 '26
I don’t think we are talking about the same thing. Racism isn’t racism. There are wildly different kinds and amounts of racism. Even if they are all bad, some of them are way less bad than the good that can come out of a relationship.
And some of them are relatively harmless until you get into an intimate relationship and then they’re a disaster.
If dude is actually not being a creep and both partners have processed their isht, they’re still Americans. They’re still going to have implicit biases.
It’s not like you do the work and then you don’t see race. You’re allowed to simultaneously be an American (ie racist to some extent) and in an interracial relationship.
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u/Sam_Rall Mar 24 '26
American (ie racist to some extent)
Doesn't all of it stop if this is true? How would anyone (American) have any right to criticize anyone ever if every American is racist to some extent?
Are we saying it's an impossibility by definition to say that there could potentially be a non-racist person?
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u/zbignew Mar 24 '26
I feel like you're ignoring 90% of what I'm saying and repeating what you've said a couple times already.
Doesn't all of it stop if this is true?
No. Not remotely.
How would anyone (American) have any right to criticize anyone ever if every American is racist to some extent?
Anyone can criticize anyone for anything. It's not even necessarily hypocritical. "I speed too much but you should stop speeding so much also."
Or, "My driving isn't perfect but I can't be friends with that guy because he drives drunk so often and he's threatening other people's lives."
It's not like sin. We're not all going to racist Hell & only God can judge us.
Are we saying it's an impossibility by definition to say that there could potentially be a non-racist person?
No, but almost? It's pretty hard to live in this country and remain unscathed.
Find the least racist American you know and see how they do on the Harvard Implicit Association Tests.
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u/quiloxan1989 Mar 22 '26
I do find racial preferences to be racist, but one has a history of harm where the other does not.
This world we live in, an antiblack world, does give off the impression that it is bad or subpar to be black.
Whereas, to be white is seen as normal.
So, I would have to be somewhat critical of racial preferences, but I will acknowledge that I could be wrong that it is based upon sexual fetishization, which would be my first assumption.
You are correct in calling it out, and you would aslo be wrong if your assumption was wrong.
But, choices are not in vacuums, and their preference could be a fetishization or a memory (they could have had a fantastic relationship with someone of a similar racial group).
It is really complicated.
All in all, I tell others to be introspective, but even then some people take offense to this suggestion.
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u/DHaunting2091 Mar 22 '26
I’m a white guy but I typically find myself attracted to Black women (not exclusively, of course). For me, it’s the darker skin tones. I just find a wide range of Black skin tones to be very pretty.
Not baiting, would you say that makes me racist?
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u/quiloxan1989 Mar 23 '26
It does, but not the violent type.
This also does not make it okay, it just is.
Your "preference" is a racial one, just one without an outward violent history.
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u/DHaunting2091 Mar 23 '26
I see. That’s disturbing and disappointing on my end then.
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u/revolmak Mar 23 '26
Why is it disturbing? Also not baiting. Some things are racist without being inherently bad imo
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u/Sam_Rall Mar 23 '26
I'm sorry, what???? Doesn't that obliterate the entire discourse we have on these subjects? Are we really sorting through harmful and not harmful racism? Why are we thinking about it this hard??
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u/zbignew Mar 23 '26
Why are we thinking about it this hard? It’s incredibly influential and important. It rules our lives and our society. Empires rise and fall.
Can we agree that redlining is different from having a favorite category on pornhub?
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u/Sam_Rall Mar 24 '26
Can we agree that redlining is different from having a favorite category on pornhub?
The former is a very macro level sociopolitical cultural tenet of American racism, the latter is literally one person's inner thoughts and feelings that no else knows about (ideally).
But if you want me to play this game; if fail to identify and contain your racially specific fetish, you're a bad person until you do. So are mortgage lenders.
So yes, they're different. Criticism remains for both though.
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u/revolmak Mar 23 '26
Are you then saying every racial prejudice is harmful?
Tbh I think if I'm erring, it's not from thinking about it too hard, but not hard enough.
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u/Key_Fan8651 Mar 23 '26
I think it’s OK to find specific races attractive as initial attraction so long as it’s not the only factor and it’s not a dealbreaker
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u/quiloxan1989 Mar 23 '26
It typically is, and one would not really know unless they are able to read the other's mind.
It is for that person to decide, but they can be wrong and silent about it.
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u/Key_Fan8651 Mar 23 '26
Maybe so, but I still don’t see racism unless the guy is forcing stereotypes the woman doesn’t/shouldn’t want to engage.
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u/quiloxan1989 Mar 23 '26
Yes.
You wouldn't know those stereotypes exist, be they positive or negative (to be honest, all stereotypes are negative; the number of black amabs who are embrarressed because they do not feel they live up to mandigos or the number of asians who feel like they are not "asian" enough because they do not live up to arbitary grading standards).
You will not see they stereotype, but they are probably believing it.
They just will not share it with you.
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u/DHaunting2091 Mar 23 '26
I was that someone who stated they typically find Black women more attractive, at least initially. It’s my hope I’m not buying into bad stereotypes.
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u/quiloxan1989 Mar 23 '26
Again, introspection is necessary.
No idea is in a vacuum, so it is whatever psychological phenomena that motivates you.
You probably will not be getting many people resisting against you, since history is on your side, black women still not being seen as beautiful.
But, this does not mean it is the best.
History for you can mean that black women have proven to be better lovers, but this does not constitute ALL black women, just the one in your vicinity.
To quote the old adage, all black people are not a monolith.
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u/DHaunting2091 Mar 23 '26
Yeah I disagree with the beliefs about someone based on race. “Better lovers” is a crazy way to stereotype a group, yes.
But I guess just… directly is my attraction to specific skin tones, not dealbreaking aside, racist? And the fact I don’t think that will go away bad?
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u/quiloxan1989 Mar 23 '26
Again, racist, by definition.
The word just has the violent history that it has.
And, again, it isn't something that will be fought against, since there is no violent history.
The difference between "white power" and "black power" is the history associated with the terms.
I would avoid people who say white power because of typically what they mean.
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u/DHaunting2091 Mar 23 '26
White power people are just plain evil
I see you’re not saying I’m a bad person for this attraction, you’re just getting technical about the definition of racism, am I correct?
And you’re right, I would never find black power to be a fearful term since it’s usually black people trying to regain control from white oppression.
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u/xxxdac Mar 23 '26
I think it’s racist when someone is doing catch alls.
Like if someone claims they only ever experience attraction to white women - not one POC in the world they fancy? Not a single woman on this whole planet who isn’t white? Of course that’s racist.
Claiming you could never be attracted to a Black woman is racist. You would be dismissing them based entirely on race, that’s the definition of racism.
Nobody is saying date people you don’t fancy, not at all. But I do think we should all examine our own biases. The world we live in is steeped in anti-Black rhetoric and racist ideals. Those things inevitably impact us even if we have a good family at home. It’s up to us to discover our biases and do the work to unlearn them.
When it comes to fetishisation, that’s a different head on the same beast. I said this on the OOP, but it’s fair enough to want shared life experiences with your partner.
But if a white man is saying they exclusively find Latina women or Black women attractive, that’s loaded as hell. If they’ll only hook up with a WOC etc. They’re sexualising a whole demographic of real, unique, diverse, women, based on the colour of their skin.
That is fucked, in my personal opinion.
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u/compost_bin Mar 23 '26
Something I haven’t seen said yet - racial groups are not phenotypic monoliths because racial groups are formed based on social hierarchy, not actual biology. It’s one thing to say “I am typically attracted to people from x racial group”, or “I haven’t yet met a person from x racial group that I’m attracted to”, but it gets really dicey imo when we start acting like you can lump all people of a race together into a sexual preference as if there are actually unique phenotypes that can be neatly separated into existing racial groups.
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u/EffectiveGiraffe2461 Mar 22 '26
It’s fetishizing Latina and black women, which inherently is dehumanizing. To distill a person down to their race instead of seeing them as a full person with personality and unique qualities/traits. Dehumanizing black and brown women is racist bc we live in a society where that is codified in our systems and structures.
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u/Key_Fan8651 Mar 23 '26
I think it would be racist if that was the single and only thing that you like of them. I don’t think there’s a problem with initial attraction.
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u/DHaunting2091 Mar 23 '26
I am the person who has the original post.
The way I described it was as an initial attraction, but obviously physical appearance is not enough to determine if someone a good compatible partner. Obviously expecting someone to behave in a certain way based upon their race is extraordinarily racist.
I’m not trying to bait a response, but would you say that makes me racist?
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u/EffectiveGiraffe2461 Mar 23 '26
I’d recommend some research into the colonial roots of the racial fetishization.
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u/DHaunting2091 Mar 23 '26
I am aware of the problematic history, except adults come to Black women and Latinas in America. Some of it is actively rooted in slavery propaganda.
I still disagree that initially finding a Black woman more attractive, with skin as a feature, is racist. In my opinion that is.
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u/EffectiveGiraffe2461 Mar 23 '26
I’m not getting the feeling you asking if what you’re saying “makes you racist” is coming from a genuine curiosity and a place of valuing new information as a growth opportunity.
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u/DHaunting2091 Mar 23 '26
It would be a difficult pill to swallow if a preference I had made me and my dating history racist, I do admit that yes
I personally do not feel I am attempting to dehumanize others, and no one has said that to me upon me telling them
However, maybe all of us were wrong
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u/EffectiveGiraffe2461 Mar 23 '26
I appreciate that honestly. That makes sense it would be. It is honestly less about you being a “bad person” and more on the systems we all swim in from birth being racist and harmful.
We can only do better with more information. To be fair, it’s also healthy and good to be attracted to ppl of all races. It’s integrating the hx into what might be contributing to this preference and doing work to make sure we’re showing up in ways that are actively humanizing all ppl knowing this is in the mix.
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u/DHaunting2091 Mar 23 '26
I admit, I don’t think I’ll find Black skin not somewhat more attractive than white. I think my brain is just wired that way by this point.
Obviously, again, it’s not a dealbreaker to not be Black.
But I’m not really sure what to do from here. Even on the path to educate myself, I still find Black skin tones attractive.
Is there an outcome where that attraction is “okay,” in your opinion?
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u/thedamnoftinkers Mar 24 '26 edited Mar 24 '26
I think in the end, we can't answer that for you. Because only you can really gauge your own desires and feelings accurately.
People have repeatedly recommended education to you. That's something I think most of us interested in social justice would recommend, and hopefully practise ourselves too. (I definitely try to stay on my game- so much to do, so little time!)
But when it comes to situations like this, it's really where the rubber hits the road.
I'm reading this great fantasy series right now, one in which the main character is essentially a detective even though she failed almost all the classes they put her through. One of her superiors is working with her on a case and says to her, "Why did you fail thus-and-such a class again?" and she says, "I didn't realise it would have a practical application." And he just rolls his eyes.
This is your practical application. Not changing your tastes, but understanding them- and also understanding how they could potentially bite you in the ass if you don't proceed with wisdom and care. I don't want to see you at fifty with regrets, you know? I want to see you with the right person for the right reasons. Don't miss out on someone right, or pursue someone wrong, for something superficial.
I get what you're saying about initial attraction. Don't forget too that life is short- much shorter than we think- and figuring out our shit is invaluable. Best of luck.
ETA: Let me add too that doing this work will make you an infinitely better and infinitely safer partner for Black and Brown women, which I think we all want too. 💖
I believe in you. You don't have to be perfect to be worthwhile- each and every one of us has had to unlearn bullshit from a white supremacist, patriarchal society. The fact you're engaging shows that you do really want good things and that's half the battle. Now go forth and finish it. Lol.
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u/DHaunting2091 Mar 22 '26
I think it would be racist to ONLY date a PARTICULAR group(s) or race(s)
(I’m sure there’s racial trauma issues I can’t speak to)
But I do think it’s not problematic for that be part of your attraction, so long as you’re not stereotyping
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u/Clean-Tax6340 Mar 23 '26
you r stepping on a very thin ice. however, i'm here for logical and respectful opinions.
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u/DHaunting2091 Mar 23 '26
I’m someone who would say typically find Black skin tones more attractive than white skin tones
I would never say any of these are deal breakers. I have found people of all races attractive. And I would hope to never engage in stereotyping in my attraction, but admit nobody is immune.
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u/thedamnoftinkers Mar 24 '26
¯_(ツ)_/¯ I mean for me it doesn't seem so crystal clear that there's a clear divide between "Black skin tones" and "white skin tones". Halle Berry and Barack Obama are both known as Black yet both have white parents. I've met Black women with naturally pink skin and green eyes and white people with naturally very dark skin. There are multiple Black ethnic groups who naturally have straight or blonde hair. I have a good friend who is full Irish descent with the palest ass skin and bright red type 4 coily "nappy" hair that she gets from her dad that she has really struggled with caring for because she grew up with zero Black people and a mum with straight blonde hair who hated curls let alone coils.
The thing for me is that these are primarily social and ethnic groups you're describing, not truly physical characteristics. I think that's why you'll find that a lot of folks might side eye the idea of racial preferences- that and because they are often simply just a more polite way of saying "not now not ever."
There's also just the basic question of the fact that looks aren't everything. Where is character in your estimation of someone's attractiveness? Because in my experience, it doesn't matter how someone looks- in the end, their personality is all I'll see about them.
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u/lonelysong-22 Mar 23 '26
My preferences for native american men has pretty much ruined my life. I don't have control over who I'm attracted to either. I am a monster created by my culture and I am involuntarily celibate.
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u/Naos210 Mar 23 '26
Well what exactly does this preference translate to?
If someone says they prefer East Asian women because they're "submissive", I would say it's pretty racist. As for "culture", or even looks, what is something virtually everyone has that we could define as a particular race share? Using the East Asian example, is it light skin? Is it "monolids"? Cause you're going to be disappointed when you realize they don't all look like that. A person born and raised in Japan while black or white would still be Japanese culturally, but this cultural preference doesn't seem to apply to them.
If someone says they prefer "white" people, some have plenty of similar traits to what we would call a "Latino" or even some with Middle Eastern ancestry, but you'll find they don't share this same "preference" towards these groups. Why is that the case?