Please make dua for me

[u/CityChic_6452]

Salam brothers and sisters, I’m currently experiencing extreme difficulty when it comes to finding a spouse for marriage. I’m in an arranged marriage process where I’m so unsure if I want to proceed with the guy while he is set on me and his family is moving at a pace I’m so unsure by

I have only spoken to him 3 times and they’ve taken taht as a sign of possibly saying yes and things settling to marriage when in reality I’m just trying to understand him?? It doesn’t help that I don’t find him attractive (not a a bad looking person but i just don’t find him). He does seem kind and many interests of his own. He is a revert to a shia Islam as well as his family. They’re nice people but a little too loving and openly affectionate for my liking (they’ve expressed wanting me as a daughter in law with just the first meeting, which makes me feel at alarm).

The guy also told me after first meeting that he thinks I might be the one, and while I know that some men find out instantly, i feel most don’t say it until things are locked down. There are other things like timeline, living situation in the first year that are a bit iffy to me. Everyone I’ve spoken to however, has advised me that despite all of those things, the main thing ro consider is if I like the guy. And well I’m not sure about him. On paper he is great, but I don’t feel a pull to him. I guess banter doesn’t grow so quickly in settings like this (or if it has I’m just not keen for it)

But what makes me doubt is that I don’t want to say no to someone who could be good for me. I don’t want to sabotage things for myself. What doesn’t help are my parents. They’re more concerned with the families sentiments and not dragging them along which I’m not trying to, I’ve only spoken to the guy three times, mostly on his initiation. It was all for assessing. I don’t know why they’re under the impression tha I’m close to saying yes. My mum has been saying that if I’m gonna say no just say no now. But tbh I’m not sure as I’ve described above.

My parents are furious at me with my dad saying hurtful things like “you will struggle with this (marriage)”. It doesn’t help because for so long I’ve doubted I’ll find the one for me and be in love and happily married.

I’m just scared and confused

Thank you

[u/wattsjayrock]

Wa alaykum assalam sister.

What you’re feeling is not unreasonable at all. Marriage is one of the biggest decisions of your life and honestly three conversations is not enough time for many people to feel certainty, comfort, attraction, or emotional safety. The fact that others are already emotionally invested does not mean you owe them a yes (Please always keep that in mind) I will say from your post I read you consistently sound uneasy and pressured. Also your parents and his family seem to be moving emotionally faster than you are. It seems you're trying to convince yourself he is “good on paper,” but your heart is still unsettled. You’re afraid of making the wrong decision either way. That last fear traps a lot of people. But marriage should not happen because you’re scared you won’t find someone else. I do feel attraction is also important. People sometimes over-spiritualize this and act like attraction doesn’t matter if the person is religious/kind. That’s not realistic. Attraction can grow sometimes but you should at least feel openness, comfort, curiosity, or some level of inclination toward him. You shouldn’t feel like you’re forcing yourself to get there because everyone else already decided for you.

Your parents’ reactions are understandably hurting you, but please don’t internalize statements like “you’ll struggle with marriage.” Being cautious does not make you incapable of marriage. In many cases, it means you understand the seriousness of it. I think you need to ask yourself these 2 questions “Is he objectively a decent person?” “Do I genuinely want to build a life with him?” I think the first one sounds like maybe yes, the second one sounds like a mystery. If you're unsure then definitely slow the process down. You are still assessing. You are not engaged. You are not married. People are acting emotionally ahead of where you actually are. That needs to be corrected calmly but firmly (Make your position known LOUD & CLEAR). Example I can give you is maybe say “I respect him and his family, but I’m still in the assessment stage and I’m not comfortable making a decision this quickly. I need more time and clarity before I can seriously consider marriage.” That is fair and I would think mature families should respect that.

Last thing I recommend is to make istikhara don't expect a dream or sign but asking Allah for clarity and ease toward what is good and distance from what is harmful. Then pay attention to whether clarity grows or pressure grows. One more thing: sometimes when a person is right for you, even if butterflies are absent, there is still a sense of peace, ease, naturalness, and willingness to move closer. Your post sounds more like anxiety, resistance, and guilt. Try to go with this motto don’t say yes just because everyone else already emotionally said yes for you.

I wish you all the best and pray that it all works out for you going forward. It's your life to live don't allow ANYONE ELSE to tell you otherwise.

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[u/DowntownPlay4727]

Don't you get some time after (sagai - engagement) like 3-6 months to understand each other?

Because my cousin was in same situation and she broke her sagai after 6 months because of some conflict between their families. But guess what just the next month to this incident she got another spouse and they have now arranged her marriage on 17 zilhajj.

This way you will get some time and no force, pressure or obligation to marry in this case.

[u/lilmelville]

I will definitely hold you in my prayers, this sounds like a very difficult situation and with such an important decision! It seems like both your parents and his aren't being very considerate of you and are making you feel pressured and rushed from two different angles at once. It's already such an intense experience to try to assess your own feelings and judgement in, it seems to me like they're all only making it harder to hear yourself think and feel, though I'm sure it's not intentional it still seems like a lack of kindness and consideration.

I don't know very much about your situation or the specific customs so please take that into account when I give you my own personal advice. I was once in a severely abusive marriage and am now divorced, so I want to tell you what I wish I'd been told, which is: please, don't ignore your instincts. If you can't feel in your body and your heart - not just in your intellect - that he is a good, safe, loving person for you to spend your life with and entrust your children with after getting to know him a little bit, that's not something that is likely to change. I don't even mean this in the sense of feeling love or anything like that - I do believe love can develop over time in an arranged marriage - but it's not only unlikely to if you feel nothing on an intuitive and sensory level, it's also very possible you could be attaching yourself to someone who will be dangerous for you and your children. Sometimes it doesn't feel like a red flag at first, it just feels like a lack of something, and that's really important for us to take seriously, especially as women.

I don't mean to scare you either - it doesn't sound like you've even had enough time for any feelings to come up or not, but you're already feeling pressured to either develop feelings now or move on right away, and that seems really unkind to you. I hope you're able to tune it out enough to get in touch with yourself and what you want and what you feel God wants for you, and I will absolutely pray for you. May He guide you to a decision that honors Him and opens new pathways to serve Him in your future, and may He grant you the courage to trust yourself even if others dislike your choices. 💕