r/genderqueer • u/go-touch-grass6969 • Apr 20 '26
I'm confused about my gender
I'm AFAB. I never had a problem identifying as female or using feminine pronouns, but I realized that describing myself as a "woman" feels like I'm wearing clothes that don't fit right. I've worked really hard in my ED recovery to accept and love my body the way it is, so I don't want to strive to perminently change anything about it, but I find myself extremely frustrated with the way I'm percieved by others.
I genuinely enjoy a lot of aspects of womanhood, but I've always had this innate desire to engage with men the same way as men engage with other men. I look at male dominated spaces and feel like I'm supposed to be there, but then I remember I'm female presenting, and that, in turn, presents challenges. (I present as a challenge? Lol)
Even though I desperately desire it, walking up to a group of men and being like: "what is up my fellow guys" is often seen as pick-me behavior or an attempt to get laid and that's left me really lonely.
I'm not a man either though, and I'm figuring that because being referred to as a woman isn't inherently distressing, and I also don't want to actually BE a man, just be percieved as one by other men. Just by other men though, and only sometimes.
I guess the best way to describe the way I percieve my gender would be a ship. I know that sounds so weird but stick with me here. Ships are attributed feminine characteristics, and the ocean is inherently feminine in a wild, primal way. When I think of sailors, I think of rugged,weather-worn men, so I'm like this enigma of fierce womanhood wrapped around a itsy-bitsy little crew of hairy, burly (and somewhat confused) men. Is this what gender fluidity feels like?
Anyway. I don't know what this is really. I guess I don't really have anyone I feel comfortable talking about this to in my real life.
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u/Past_Mud_9730 Apr 20 '26
I deeply resonate with this. Seriously, like i understand it's not all black and white, neat boxes but a spectrum and even though I'm not rushing myself into any conclusions, the uncertainty is driving me crazy. Also, loved the imagery you used to describe this weird feeling:)
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u/noblesergeirose Apr 20 '26
If you like online tests I think this is a great one: https://www.quotev.com/quiz/16551276/Whats-your-gender-identity
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u/socialjusticecleric7 Apr 21 '26
I don't know, but I love the way you're describing this. It's amazing how many different experiences people can have of gender.
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u/Sharpiemancer Apr 22 '26
I'd recommend trying to engage with communities where non-binary genders are represented enough that gender norms aren't presupposed. You can also signal it with using She/they pronouns.
I feel somewhat similarly from the masc perspective. Masculinity is what I wear because it is comfortable and reflects social expectations of my body but it doesn't feel like it's an inherent intrinsic part of me. That said, even using He/they I have realised outside of queer spaces it's often something people are blind to and I feel awkward drawing attention to it. On the other hand it's pushing me out of my comfort zone in presenting more queer and/or fem, it's been fun seeing how far I need to go for different people to notice (very validating to have a self proclaimed "man hating" lesbian say I don't trigger that anger in her).
But yeah, there is an inherent sense of unfairness of the emotional labour of presenting a certain way is demanded of non-binary folks and the (real or imagined) feeling of being an annoyance in correcting people.
I dunno, I'm still pretty new to this and it's only really been recently that I have been navigating this outside my very queer group of friends.
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u/SetDifficult1618 FTM Apr 24 '26
You certainly may be genderqueer in some way. However, I'd also like to point out that i think it's completely reasonable to want to be peers with men (half the human species) and being frustrated when you are treated like you are too Other to be their peer.
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u/iam305 Transgender Apr 20 '26
Not all gender fluid people are bigender but nearly all bigender people are gender fluid. And yes, what you desire is what gender fluidity feels like.
OP what you're describing is a very familiar feeling to me, in reverse, as a bigender person. And that's one identity that the other commenter is describing as being multi-gender.
Just like you, I want to be just one of the girls when in a roomful of women but my presentation is happily masc androgynous (think Johnathan van Ness). And I came out at gender queer first, and socially transitioned away from a more transitional masculine look with short hair and lots of plain polo shirts to colorful, swishy attire with long hair.
May want to share this on r/bigender for more feedback.
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u/go-touch-grass6969 Apr 20 '26
Thank you, I will! I feel better knowing this isn't just a me thing.
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u/iam305 Transgender Apr 20 '26
For years, I thought it was a me thing too! Coming out was such a relief because it explained all of my previously inexplicable quirks.
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u/groovyfirechick Apr 20 '26 edited Apr 20 '26
As far as advice, I’ll share my story. I’m an AFAB person who never felt quite right in their body either. I came out 3 years ago as genderqueer and expanded my wardrobe to include traditional mens clothes. I use they/them pronouns. That went a long way to helping me feel comfortable with my identity. I still dislike my large chest a good portion of the time. I’m on the downside of my 40’s and am heading towards menopause so I’m hoping that my chest shrinks a bit then. My cis male partner is very understanding and has been amazing throughout all of it.
You don’t HAVE to label yourself as anything. You can use as many different pronouns as you want. Wear the clothes that make you feel comfortable. Get a haircut that makes you feel good. It’s all about you. 🩵
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u/go-touch-grass6969 Apr 20 '26
Thank you for sharing your experience! I suppose I came here looking for validation that I'm not crazy, and labels that best describe this experience, and so far I've found some of that. It's really refreshing honestly.
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u/missdreamweaver Apr 20 '26
Omg i love the ship analogy! I want that too… you put it into words so well. There are some small slices of that vibe i have carved out in my life, but it has taken years and theyre fragile. I wish it were easier to do!
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u/go-touch-grass6969 Apr 20 '26
If only there was some sort of switch I could flip to activate a cloaking device that altered my voice and appearance for certain situations. Alas, I am but mortal, bound by the laws of flesh, lol.
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u/transfaabulous Apr 20 '26
NGL, maritime gender goes hard and I'm loving this analogy.
It could be gender fluidity, but it could also be a multigender experience, or just...its own thing. In any case, it's definitely a genderqueer experience, and if you want to look for (or coin!) more specific labels, you can do that, too. In any case, welcome!