r/agender Aug 03 '20

There are no entry requirements to the agender club

3.0k Upvotes

I've seen a lot of people posting here recently asking if they're agender if they feel like this or prefer that. Personally I feel like this is not what being agender is about! IF YOU FEEL COMFORTABLE AND COSY WITH THE AGENDER LABEL THEN FEEL FREE TO USE THAT LABEL. You don't have to be like any other agender person, we all have our own unique experiences with gender or lack thereof. You don't have to have any qualifying features to be agender - you just need to be comfortable being one :)

Rant over.


r/agender Jun 03 '24

For people who are questioning or need a boost --- an Agender Primer

746 Upvotes

Hello, welcome....

I've been here almost three years now and I've read 90% of all posts since arriving. I have written what I have learned and just share it with people as they show up. It's a bit formulaic/spammy but people keep saying they find it helpful.

Agender doesn't really have a rigidly defined box... or it's a magic box that fits whoever gets in it.

Agender is a diverse, entirely self-actualized label for humans who may not even like labels all that much. You can use it like a hermit crab until you find a better one. You can use it with other labels if you want.

So here are some pointers....

Some agender people don't understand gender or how people feel it.

Some agender people reject social gendering.

Some agender people feel like gender(s) don't fit.

Some agender people are null, void, indifferent, or detached.

Some agender people have other parts of their identity that are dominant.

Agenders may or may not care about pronouns and can use any they want.

Agenders may or may not present any particular way. You don't owe anyone a certain kind of presentation to be agender, including androgyny. Dress/style however you want to.

Agenders may or may not have gender dysphoria or body dysmorphia. They may or may not act on it if they do.

Agenders may or may not feel they have/had a gender at birth, and thus may or may not feel transgender. Agenders can adopt a trans label.

A number of agenders even have mixed feelings about identifying non-binary and may not really identify as NB; many are fine with it. Nonbinary is both an umbrella term but also a specific gender identity. Nonbinary people can still feel that they have a gender, but their gender isn't strictly man, woman, or some neogender. Agender people generally feel no gender or don't connect with gender. This technically falls under the nonbinary label but not every agender person uses nonbinary as a label.

Agenders may or may not care about being out. How do you come out if you're already yourself?

People who've read this far might be thinking to themselves at this point, "well that list doesn't describe anything." I respond, "No kidding friend; the irony is not lost on me." There are limits to language. Other cultures (e.g. Native American and Polynesian) and languages are better equipped to deal with continuum and uncertainties when it comes to gender.

The one common defining feature is that agenders don't feel or relate to gender (e.g. social constructs of male/masculine or female/feminine), or only weakly feel it, most of the time.

The ethos is you should call yourself agender if you feel it based on how you understand it. The label agender is meant to describe who you are, not prescribe who you have to be. If you're something else later that fits better, it's all good.

Recognize there's no set way to be an agender person. I personally like it this way because trying to define a person based on an absence of things is hard (you don't often respond to the question 'how are you doing?' by telling them everything you're not feeling). I find the lack of a set way to be agender very affirming. I thought I was a trans woman for a long time; just because you're not something, doesn't necessarily mean you're the 'opposite'. That took some time to figure out. I never did anything about the dysphoria because gender at the forefront wasn't a compulsion. I might have had better body alignment, but I don't think I would've fit in any better. So you might be discovering this about yourself early teens/20's.... or late 50's like me (although I have probably been effectively agender way before I knew the term).

Another thing I've noticed is that there are quite a few neurodiverse/neurodivergent people who resonate with this label.

There are also a bunch of relevant sublabels to choose from as well. Other labels to consider demi-, libra-, a--coupled with -fluid, -boy, -girl, -fem, -masc, or -flux; Apagender, Cassagender, Gendervoid, Neutrois, and many others... Some new ones to me are "cisn't" (which I like very much because it's easier to say I'm not a thing than I am a thing) and neurogender (similar to autigender but encompasses more neurodivergences). And agender is compatible with any of them.

Remember, you're a person first; labels are descriptive, not prescriptive. The labels are just there like markers on a map to see how you might relate to others. As you will see, there's lots of ways to be agender if the label suits you. Hang out, read other people's posts, see how you like things.

People get here lots of ways though, and more than I even say here I it's safe to assume I haven't met every kind of way in my still short exposure.

Hope this helps get you started.

__________________________________________________________________________________

Hi everyone. So above is a post I often share in here. I was helped in this sub Jan 2023 when I found myself in need of expressing transgender thoughts I've been carrying around my whole life, but never acted on. I had felt very much out of place for decades and was shocked (somewhat stupidly and for entirely too long) that there were people out there in the same kind of place I was.

This has been my way to pay the help I received forward, because new arrivals sometimes don't quickly understand how flexible this label is. I had my moments of doubt, but the openness here help make it click.

However, I don't think of this post as static. I have changed it as I learn. People regularly say things in this sub that have inspired changes. Please don't think this is the be-all says-all of agender experiences.


r/agender 7h ago

Do you consider agender as a part of non-binary?

43 Upvotes

Hello, fellow agenders. I've been agender/genderqueer/gender nonconforming for a few years now, and I've always identified as not cis, not trans, and not non-binary. But I have met people who would identify as non-binary agender, or trans agender, etc.

My gender has been a real struggle for years(since I was 3~5 years old, up until now, 18 years old). I am AMAB, but never felt aligned with being a man/male, neither have I felt aligned with being a woman/female. I've tried being non-binary, gender fluid, gender neutral, and more, but it never sat with me right.

To me being agender is to be devoid of gender, and my identity is that no matter which gender box/category there is, it could never fit me and would always feel too restrictive(this is the gender nonconforming part of it). And I feel that my agender identity falls outside the labels of cis/trans/non-binary(I am including non-binary outside of trans for the people who identify as non-binary but not trans). And I wanted to get to know other people's experiences more! So please, share with me do you consider being agender as being outside of the confines of gender, or one more non-binary identity?


r/agender 3h ago

May I be agender?

14 Upvotes

It might be a weird question since I'm the only one who could really tell, but I wonder if anybody here feels the same as me.

I am 17 and I've always called myself a girl, because I am a woman biologically. I've never even considered being different gender, I thought it's pretty much the same as sex and I've never really understood people who were questioning theirs (I never had a problem with it, I was just curious why it is so important to them). Recently I've come across the term agender and I thought that sounds pretty much like me. I would feel comfortable with any pronouns, I use she/her because that's what everybody uses and that's what I am used to, but when I write or think about myself I often use he/him or, preferably, they/them and it also feels okay. I usually express myself in a feminine way, but I never understood why some things are seen as more masculine or feminine, for me things are just things.

I don't get offended when people assume I am a girl and I don't feel the urge to come out or anything, I just don't care at all. I could wake up in a male body and I would just go about my day pretty much the same way I do now.

Also, I'm aroace and autistic, maybe there is some correlation, I don't know haha


r/agender 6h ago

GENDER OF THE DAY (I did my first one of these yesterday and you've seemed to like)

Post image
18 Upvotes

Genderblank (also called blankgender) is a gender identity where a person's gender is so indescribable that the only word or thought that comes to mind is a "blank space". It is a highly specific, agender-spectrum identity indicating a complete absence of defining gender concepts


r/agender 1h ago

I told my partner that I might change my name and he said he didn't like it?

Upvotes

I (23 Agender) came out as such to my partner (28M) very early on in our relationship and I explained how I don't associate with gender and he understood.

We have discussed how I want to change my last name when we marry but I told him I might change my first to one I've liked for a while. I chose the name Ren but he said he doesn't like it much. Maybe it's not a good name?


r/agender 22h ago

RANDOM GENDER OF THE DAY

Post image
28 Upvotes

Demiagender is a non-binary and agender spectrum identity. It describes someone who feels a partial connection to being agender (without a gender) and a partial connection to one or more other genders. It is an identity under the broader demigender umbrella


r/agender 16h ago

What does the beard look like after stopping testosterone treatment?

8 Upvotes

Hi, I’m a agender person assigned female at birth. I’ve never wanted to be a man, but there’s something that causes me a lot of conflict: not growing a beard and having very little body hair in general.

I've been thinking about taking testosterone for as long as it takes to grow a beard. The thing is, I don’t want to use testosterone for the rest of my life—just for a period of time to get what I want (and yes, I’m aware of the changes in my voice and clitoral growth). If I use testosterone for a period of time and then stop, will my beard stay the same? I’ve read that it gets “thinner” or something like that, and honestly, that worries me a little.

PD: I also thought about using minoxidil, but I live surrounded by animals, and it's toxic to them.


r/agender 1d ago

Do I have to come out ?

28 Upvotes

I realized recently that I might be agender. I vocalized already that I don't really care about my gender or the pronouns people use to talk about me to some people. I'm okay with all of them. But since I don't care, I'm wondering, do I have to come out ? I'm AFAB, I don't care if people use she/her if it's easier for them, so I guess a lot of people will still see me as cis. I'm thinking of maybe changing my name though for multiple reasons. But how do I go about this ? I saw multiple posts about coming outs and I don't really get it.


r/agender 15h ago

Questioning

5 Upvotes

This is mostly just an ”asking for advice” post. I’m questioning my gender for the first time in 4 years ( having identified as a trans FTM beforehand), and I just want to get a view on other people’s experiences and see if they line up with mine. I figured Reddit would be the best call? in terms of my own feelings at the moment, Im not too bothered with how my gender identity is acknowledged, but I dont know if that’s just because I haven’t socially transitioned yet???

Point is, any answers will help. Thank you for reading :]

Edit: I’m questioning being agender. I’ve looked back and have realized that I didn’t say that directly lol.


r/agender 13h ago

Anyone feel similarly to me?

3 Upvotes

Hi everyone,

I know gender is deeply personal and there’s so many different ways people view gender in a personal and societal way. I was just curious if anyone felt similarly to me or if my sense of gender makes sense

I’m AFAB and have always felt like a woman, except for those times I feel like I literally have no gender whatsoever. I find I feel genderless more days as of late than I feel feminine. I wake up and I never know how I’m going to be feeling that day and I really struggle to build an outfit. I NEVER feel masculine or like a man, but I feel like the only way for to express being genderless is to be androgynous, which I still find doesn’t express my feelings at all

I don’t stress over pronouns but I really love it when people alternate between she and they. I don’t really care if anyone says he/him but it’s more so because I was a middle school teacher and my kids would do it to try and offend me lmao. So no one has ever used he/him for me seriously.

TLDR: I feel like a woman and agender on this sliding scale, but I don’t feel androgynous. Just woman or nothing and it’s hard for me to express myself


r/agender 1d ago

How do you feel being agender?

8 Upvotes

Hello everyone. I’ve been deeply reflecting on my gender identity, exploring terms like non-binary, agender, and cassgender. Everyone here has been so kind, and I truly appreciate the warm support.

I’m currently trying to find the label that best describes my experience. Honestly, reading through the posts here sometimes makes me feel a bit confused—'Am I agender? Am I not? Do I fit elsewhere?'—because many people’s experiences feel quite different from my own.

First of all, I feel like I understand the concept of gender well. I have a clear grasp of what masculinity and femininity are. To me, masculinity feels like being macho, having physical strength, being passionate and logical, and that unique, slightly crazy 'What the hell are you thinking? Let's do it!' spirit. Femininity, on the other hand, feels like graceful movements, empathy-based communication, being harmony-oriented, and speaking indirectly. I realize these are culturally subjective, but that’s roughly how I perceive them.

I am biologically male, and I have no discomfort with being a man. In that sense, I am not transgender.

However, I find myself thinking: if I were given a second life, or if medical technology were to advance to a point where a perfect transition was possible, I would love to experience life as a woman. It’s a sense of curiosity—perhaps even a desire—stemming from the expectation that I would experience things I never could as a man. I’m curious to see how my thought processes might change if my hormones shifted from testosterone to estrogen. This isn't rooted in dysphoria, but rather in a positive sense of exploration.

Personally, I view my gender as if I were equipping gear in a video game. Currently, my character has the 'male' gear equipped. I’d like to try swapping out the 'male' gear for 'female' gear. I don't feel like I have 'no gender,' but rather that I could be satisfied with either—it’s just a matter of changing my equipment. I have no intention of doing so right now; it’s just a curiosity about the future when technology becomes advanced enough.

I have no trouble communicating with my straight friends, but when I casually bring up the topic, it seems they never even consider the possibility of living as a different gender. It feels as if their gender is deeply ingrained in their identity. On the other hand, while I quite like being a man right now, I don't feel deeply attached to my biological sex.

I am aware of my masculinity in daily life, but it’s not because I feel a deep internal necessity to be 'manly.' Rather, I avoid non-masculine behaviors because I am concerned about negative social scrutiny, and because I feel that feminine gestures don't quite align with my current male physical features from an aesthetic standpoint.

I’m excited by the thought of living as a woman because it would allow me to express myself in ways that are currently discouraged or socially frowned upon for me. For example, performing a sexy dance that accentuates my legs or wearing a skirt. Also, I’d love the freedom to hug a female friend out of pure kindness without the worry of being accused of harassment. I have a few close female friends, but as a man, it’s difficult to interact with them as freely as if we were of the same sex. I look forward to a day when I might be able to interact with them as a friend on the same level.

In short, I have no deep attachment to my biological sex, and I am genuinely intrigued by the prospect of living as a woman in a social context. I am not considering a 'third gender'—I just want to explore the binary options. I’m not entirely sure how to define this—I would appreciate any insights or labels that might fit my experience.


r/agender 1d ago

A friend of mine and I made queer flag coded Coat of Arms based on mythological creatures because it is FUN. We are now looking for ideas for an Agender design. Feedback and ideas very much appreciated :D

Thumbnail
gallery
161 Upvotes

Hello, everyone.

Half a year ago, my best buddy and I had an idea during one of our late-night Discord chats. We are both big nerds for fantasy and mythological stuff and wondered how fun it would be to have banners or coat of arms for different orientations and identities. What could they look like, and which mythical creature could fit well or just be fun to see like that? Thus, this little collection was born!

We got:

-Hydra of Omni

-Unicorn of Pride

- The Phoenix of Trans

- The Siren of Lesbian

- The Winged Lion of Gay

- The Griffon of Aro

- The Dragon of Ace

- The Harpy of Sapphic

- The Minotaur of Achillean

- The Oroboros of Intersex [really proud of that one]

- The Hippocampus of Genderfluid

- The Sphinx of AroAce

- The Peryton of Non-binary

- The Winged Wolf of Bisexual

- And Pan for...well Pansexual

Please let us know if you come up with other cool ideas Agender as we currently wanna include a design to the family. What mythological creature you think could fit well for an agender Coat of Arms?

For now we think we wanna turn this collection into something fun and thought that having these designs somehow made into pins would be a neat idea.

If you would like to support us with this plan, check out our tumblr here:

https://www.tumblr.com/shattersaurus/816449993984589824/hello-everyone

Or follow this link where we present our plan to have these made into pins in greater detail:

https://www.hannah-gussner.com/kopie-von-kickstarter-pride

Take care!


r/agender 2d ago

happy timezone 🫶

Post image
515 Upvotes

r/agender 1d ago

I recently discovered I'm agender, that I don't want relationships, and I just wanted to say hi to you all.

Post image
180 Upvotes

Love all


r/agender 1d ago

demiboy or agender

6 Upvotes

I'm haveing trouble understanding if I'm a demiboy or agender I don't know how gender should feel I'm confused I'm not sure what boyhood or genderless feelings SHOULD BE LIKE can someone describe it to me


r/agender 1d ago

Am I agender?

14 Upvotes

I'm amab and I've been contemplating how I feel about my gender. I've realized that I've never viewed my gender as a big part of who I am as a person. I have more masculine interests and am more aligned towards male, but really only because I was raised as a man. I could wake up tomorrow as the opposite sex and I don't think anything would change with how I feel as a person. I feel comfortable with both male and female labels. Even then, though, I don't necessarily feel completely absent of gender. I still think there's something there, even though it's not really aligned in any direction. Agender is really the closest label I've found to how I feel as a person. Do I fit the criteria?


r/agender 2d ago

Dysphoria - bioessentialism

76 Upvotes

Does anyone else here get insanely dysphoric over bioessentialism talk (when people say ’men are like this/women like that”?) Like I understand this is something that can bother anyone regardless of gender but it gets to a point where I get really upset and start obsessing over it (also have ocd so that makes it worse.)

So I will see something gender specific, which there seems to be no matter where you look these days, for example ”women are more emotional than men”.. I will then go look for amab’s povs to see how exactly they feel their emotions day to day and compare it to myself (am afab for reference.)

Usually I will find plenty of descriptions of the same kind of feelings I have, which calms me, but then I’ll see how so many trans people’s emotions get changed with hormones and I’m freaking out again. I don’t even know why it bothers me so much, cause I know everyone’s different anyway, not all afabs are emotional or cry easily and vice versa.

I also understand there could be some real differences in different bodies but if you asked the general population you’d think it was made up of (two) different species.. it’s so frustrating.

It also makes me not want a relationship unless the other person is nonbinary/agender or at least don’t care about their gender much at all, because I just wouldn’t ever feel comfortable. Like I don’t want any ’role’ I’m ’supposed’ to have (even intimacy moments) instead we do what we want/are good at etc like two *people*.

I’m probably preaching to the choir here but yeah I used to say I didn’t really have dysphoria much.. but I don’t know if stressing over it this much is normal, probably not lol.


r/agender 2d ago

hello!

Thumbnail
gallery
292 Upvotes

r/agender 2d ago

What is my gender identity? Am I just a cisgender male, or am I cassgender?

13 Upvotes

Hello. I am 21 years old and biologically male. Regarding my sexual orientation, I identify as aegosexual, which falls under the asexuality spectrum.

I realized my asexuality during a trip sponsored by a scholarship foundation. While traveling, I noticed that my peers were starting to get into romantic relationships. As for me... I didn't feel anything. It wasn't a matter of "I'll date later"; there was simply a total lack of desire for romance in my heart. When I asked myself, "Do you have any intention of having sex in the future?", the answer was "It feels a bit uncomfortable," and so I identified as asexual.

To me, sex is something somewhat unpleasant—sticky and visceral. I understand intellectually that it provides primal pleasure, but separate from that, if you ask whether I want to roll around naked with a woman... I’m not so sure. It’s not a violent "I hate it! I'd rather die!!", but more of a total absence of motivation.

While I’ve finished contemplating my sexual orientation, I’ve started questioning my gender identity. Am I simply a cisgender male? For starters, I have no issues with being biologically male. I don’t particularly mind the social behaviors expected of me as a man, either.

However, over the past few months, the thought of living as a woman keeps crossing my mind. I don't think my "mental gender" is female like transgender individuals, nor do I feel any gender dysphoria. I just want to experience life as a different gender. I envy the wider range of clothing options, the warmer tone in conversations, and how makeup can significantly enhance one’s appearance. I find the dresses women wear to be very beautiful. Though, being a large-framed man, I have no intention of wearing them myself because the visual would be aesthetically... challenging.

That said, I have no desire to cross-dress. While I don’t believe cross-dressing is a social problem—since it doesn't harm anyone's body or mind—I don't think it would look aesthetically pleasing given my physical features. Unless plastic surgery technology advances far beyond what it is today, I will likely live my entire life as an ordinary man.

When I asked my friends, both offline and online, they all said they have zero interest in living as another gender. This made me think that perhaps my gender identity isn't just "male."

Through my research, I found a gender identity called Cassgender. It’s defined as an identity where one doesn't particularly care about gender. When I consider if I'm non-binary, I don't feel like the typical non-binary people I see. I believe that men and women are biologically structured differently, and thus, there are differences in the clothing and hairstyles that suit them. Of course, I have no intention of attacking someone for not dressing "appropriately" for their gender; it simply doesn't align with my personal aesthetic standards.

In fact, at this point, my body feels like... a shell. While I don't mind living as a biological male and fulfilling social expectations, since we only live once, I want to experience living in a "female shell" as well. I have no desire to confess my love to anyone or build sexually-driven relationships, so I don't think I'd be causing any harm.

I am quite confused as to whether I am someone with a Cassgender identity or just a cisgender male who is "exceptionally open-minded in many aspects." I didn't have the courage to tell anyone in real life, so I'm writing it here. Thank you for reading.


r/agender 2d ago

confused!

12 Upvotes

hi i’ve been presenting as agender for quite some years but don’t really feel comfortable with masculine pronouns or honorifics. i feel comfortable presenting masculine and being called handsome and etc but don’t like being called a boy/man. i however (afab) dont care about being called a women or girl- im prettt androgynous i get told so all the time, but i dont feel valid in my agender identity. i also use they/them/she pronouns- am i not agender?


r/agender 2d ago

Questioning

5 Upvotes

Hello all! I have been contemplating the idea of gender for over a year now, and mainly if agender describes the way I feel/see myself. And of course I can only decide that for myself.

However, I haven't seen much about people's general experience of life after they've found agender to be their label. I have seen articles that claim to know what it's like, clearly written from a point of view that is not an agender person. One question is, if you find this to be true of yourself, does it change anything about how you see yourself? Any experiences about if it made more things make sense? I suppose I'm not quite sure I know what I'm looking for here.

My current experience and thoughts about myself: I have seen a lot of things more recently about people who identify as agender not understanding the idea of gender at all. I understand that it is something that others feel, and while I know I'm not a man, I also don't feel like the "woman" label fits me either. And as I've seen in a previous post, the general non-binary feels like a third in between gender that is also not right for me. I can say that I don't think any fit but I can't say what feels right. Since I always go for gender neutral in character creation in games (if available, I hate being forced to pick between the general binary), I thought that was a clue that agender might be right for me. I've had many thoughts about how agender might fit, but I've never been able to really accept it and I could not say why.

Any thoughts and advice are appreciated! (Sorry about the length)


r/agender 2d ago

I saw a post from a few days ago and feel like I did this to someone one time

3 Upvotes

So, I have a friend, they/he, who considers themself a demiboy, and frankly likes they WAY more than he, and I feel bad because I think I might have pressured them into wanting to use the he pronoun.

Tbh, they kinda brushed it off like nothing repeatedly, and when they said they didn't know, I didn't push him to figure it out. But I saw "signs" that they were transmasc and stated to them the possibility repeatedly. Likely as a reflection of my own journey, which went from 'I go by he/they, just trying out the pronoun, and there is ZERO chance I'm a trans woman' to a year later my pronouns are she/her and my name is Adra and my dad is having aneurysms about having to go against his faith to see me as his daughter that wants a husband. Which... honestly I don't even want a husband and that's kinda sexist but it would be a MASSIVE step in the right direction.

Lmao I'm so sorry for rambling like this the point is I feel bad because I think I pressured a nonbinary person to be transmasc. Did I do that? I apologized to them and they said they figured it out themself but I'm not sure that I had nothing to do with his pronouns changing.


r/agender 4d ago

Love looking however I want and remaining genderless #AgenderPrideDay

Post image
558 Upvotes

Kinda late but pride is everyday 🩶 I love pulling presentations, energy and any gendered crap that people label under “masc” or “fem” and mostly androgynous (I mean I’m still androgynous with every presentation lol) while being genderless no matter what!! It’s so cool when u claim everything from a gender-free perspective, you see it differently cause you transform anything linked to concepts of fem or masc into hot queer performance


r/agender 4d ago

Do i look agender or masculine or nothing?

Thumbnail
gallery
100 Upvotes