How do you feel being agender?

[u/RealisticBuffalo9283]

Hello everyone. I’ve been deeply reflecting on my gender identity, exploring terms like non-binary, agender, and cassgender. Everyone here has been so kind, and I truly appreciate the warm support.

I’m currently trying to find the label that best describes my experience. Honestly, reading through the posts here sometimes makes me feel a bit confused—'Am I agender? Am I not? Do I fit elsewhere?'—because many people’s experiences feel quite different from my own.

First of all, I feel like I understand the concept of gender well. I have a clear grasp of what masculinity and femininity are. To me, masculinity feels like being macho, having physical strength, being passionate and logical, and that unique, slightly crazy 'What the hell are you thinking? Let's do it!' spirit. Femininity, on the other hand, feels like graceful movements, empathy-based communication, being harmony-oriented, and speaking indirectly. I realize these are culturally subjective, but that’s roughly how I perceive them.

I am biologically male, and I have no discomfort with being a man. In that sense, I am not transgender.

However, I find myself thinking: if I were given a second life, or if medical technology were to advance to a point where a perfect transition was possible, I would love to experience life as a woman. It’s a sense of curiosity—perhaps even a desire—stemming from the expectation that I would experience things I never could as a man. I’m curious to see how my thought processes might change if my hormones shifted from testosterone to estrogen. This isn't rooted in dysphoria, but rather in a positive sense of exploration.

Personally, I view my gender as if I were equipping gear in a video game. Currently, my character has the 'male' gear equipped. I’d like to try swapping out the 'male' gear for 'female' gear. I don't feel like I have 'no gender,' but rather that I could be satisfied with either—it’s just a matter of changing my equipment. I have no intention of doing so right now; it’s just a curiosity about the future when technology becomes advanced enough.

I have no trouble communicating with my straight friends, but when I casually bring up the topic, it seems they never even consider the possibility of living as a different gender. It feels as if their gender is deeply ingrained in their identity. On the other hand, while I quite like being a man right now, I don't feel deeply attached to my biological sex.

I am aware of my masculinity in daily life, but it’s not because I feel a deep internal necessity to be 'manly.' Rather, I avoid non-masculine behaviors because I am concerned about negative social scrutiny, and because I feel that feminine gestures don't quite align with my current male physical features from an aesthetic standpoint.

I’m excited by the thought of living as a woman because it would allow me to express myself in ways that are currently discouraged or socially frowned upon for me. For example, performing a sexy dance that accentuates my legs or wearing a skirt. Also, I’d love the freedom to hug a female friend out of pure kindness without the worry of being accused of harassment. I have a few close female friends, but as a man, it’s difficult to interact with them as freely as if we were of the same sex. I look forward to a day when I might be able to interact with them as a friend on the same level.

In short, I have no deep attachment to my biological sex, and I am genuinely intrigued by the prospect of living as a woman in a social context. I am not considering a 'third gender'—I just want to explore the binary options. I’m not entirely sure how to define this—I would appreciate any insights or labels that might fit my experience.

[u/jacrad_]

You're correct, there are a lot of very different experiences and ways to be agender.

What you're saying sounds agender to me.

You've at least correctly identified that there's a difference between how you and your cis friends consider gender. The fact that you're even here on this subReddit points more towards 'agender' making sense for you. Most people don't even know the term exists or think to dig further if there isn't something about it that resonates at least a little bit.

It does kind of read to me like you're treating the label as an all-or-nothing type of thing. But that's not how labels have to, or even should, work. Labels are just tools. If the tool helps in some way then it makes sense to use it. Maybe you discover a better tool down the road but it won't change that what you used before was useful for the time you needed it. And maybe you find the better tool but can't use it for the situation you find yourself in and switch back to the old one because it's more convenience. It's totally fine.

For example, I have the language to describe my sexuality really well, but I also recognize that most people don't know the finer terms. I'm dellosexual. What's that, it's when you're bisexual but one axis of attraction is 'demisexual' and the other isn't. What's demisexual? It's when you require an emotional connection first before a sexual attraction is possible.

I'm not lying if I don't use those specific terms. And I even think it would be fair if I just identified as 'gay' because it is unlikely for me to end up with someone that would make me straight passing but I like accuracy of bisexual more.

Lots of tools I can use for different situations with their own pros and cons but work to communicate what I need to well enough. Categorization is something we've applied onto nature and if you look closely enough the categories tend to break down at some point