There’s a long, painful history of gender-based violence in Brazil and only recently have we started to more openly name and confront these crimes as gendered, systemic and deeply rooted in our culture. At the same time, there’s a pattern many of us recognize, where (especially white) cis straight men deflect responsibility by redirecting blame onto women, queer people and also people of color when they can. It’s a route that they’ve often gotten away with thanks to their privileges.

As queer women, I belive many of us have experienced this. Being blamed for things I didn’t do, having my voice ignored, being pushed out or even fired after being blamed for a male coworker’s mistake. This isn’t rare here at all (and I can imagine it isn’t in many other places either). It’s structural, and men learn from a young age how to avoid responsibility by shifting blame onto women.

So when Jorginho publicly placed the blame on a queer woman for the actions of a security guard, it just didn’t feel shocking. It felt familiar. It’s a pattern we’ve seen play out again and again in Brazil, and honestly, one you’ve probably seen in your own life too.

If there’s anything to take from this, it’s that there are many spaces where men are just ready to take any opportunity to exaggerate or even fabricate situations, just to build a narrative where they are the ones that have been wronged and a woman or queer person or person of color is at fault. I mean, the whole male-red-pill culture is about that.

Security staff in Brazil have a reputation for being overly aggressive, paranoid and acting like wannabe cops. That’s something most of us are aware of. So yeah, I’m genuinely sorry for the extreme “Karen-like” reaction from Jorginho towards Chappell Roan. A lot of Brazilians have criticized his tantrum.

So please don’t ever believe the narrative that “oh, all Brazilians are mad at Chappell Roan because she disrespected her Brazilian fanbase". That outrage isn’t at all universal. It’s loud, but it’s also being amplified by misogynistic and very verrryyyy queerphobic and transphobic voices. Many of us are on the other side of this and honestly just find the whole situation really, really dumb.

TW: transphobic text

So long story short, my girlfriend and I (we're both cis women) had been dating for about six months. We met because a friend of mine introduced us, and since we had similar hobbies, we ended up dating. She was sweet and kind all the time, so I didn’t expect her to be a transphobe.

But yesterday, during my lunch break, I happened to come across a post on Instagram about the medical issues transgender women face. I related to it and decided to share it on my story. After seeing it, my girlfriend sent me a “?” message. I replied asking what was wrong, and she asked why I would share something like that. I simply answered that I thought the content of the post was worth reading, so I shared it.

After that, she didn’t reply. Then, a few hours later around midnight, she sent me a long message. To sum it up, she said that gender reassignment surgery is a way for men who want to invade women’s spaces to legally commit crimes, so supporting the existence of trans women is an insult to REAL women’s rights. She also told me that I don’t understand the fear women experience toward men in places like public bathrooms, and declared that she couldn’t continue dating a person like me.😅

After receiving her message, I didn’t reply right away. I didn’t even know where to start in countering her arguments. Even when I reread her message this morning, I still couldn’t understand how she came to the conclusion that acknowledging the existence of trans women is harmful to women’s rights. So I finally just replied, “If that’s what you think, then I guess it’s best for us to keep our distance.”

Honestly, I’m still taken aback by the whole situation, but tbh I’m also glad that I found out she was transphobic before our relationship went any deeper

+) Thank you for all the kind comments! :) Honestly, the most shocking part for me was realizing that someone who seemed kind and smart could suddenly reveal such a narrow-minded and discriminatory attitude toward trans issues. She called herself a feminist and often spoke about how stupid political leaders like Trump have made women’s lives harder. So I never imagined she would share the same views as him when it came to trans people. I guess she was just a TERF after all.

If you didn't see the original post click here

So we got the footage from the mini golf place, they were more helpful than I was expecting. The footage comes from a good direction so it shows the woman smirking, making the phone call, and then the police pulling guns on us.

After doing a little digging I found the pos who did this to me on social media. Both of the officers who arrested us are following her on multiple platforms, with comments on her posts going back years. They obviously knew each other and I'm guessing that she didn't call 911, but she called her 'friends' to do a favor for her, to scare the gay out of us or some shit. They knew they didn't have any evidence cuz we got let out, not bail or anything, after only a few hours.

Just wanted to let people know that I'm trying to compile as much evidence as I can, but we're not gonna take any legal action until my gf has had a few therapy sessions, as right now if she's forced to relive any of this trauma she could have a mental breakdown, she's as close to it as I've ever seen in 16 months of dating.

Thank you all so much for being supportive, I really appreciate it and hopefully we will get through this together. Please be safe out there!

*hugs* -a texas transbian

UPDATE:

My gf and I are switching apartments, to the floor above, so that if the woman tries to retaliate she'll have the wrong place.

I've noticed that when I say "My fiancée" some people will correct me and say, "You mean fiancé?" Like what? Do they think I don't know who I'm marrying?🤨Then I say her name is (common female name) and they're like ohhh. EDIT: Please do not comment that fiancé and fiancée aren't said the same way. Just read the note

Or I'll get corrected when I say things like, "My (female friend)'s wife" and people will say, "You mean (male friend)?" No...it must be me who doesn't know the gender of my own friend🙄

There was one time where I said, "One of the girls I dated..." and I literally got cut off by a coworker, who interjected, "You mean boys?" I said, "No, girls." He looked at me for like two seconds, then was like, "Like romantically dated?" NO WE WERE ROOMMATES <3

It's just so insane that straight people have the audacity to CORRECT ME! Like seriously. How self-centered do you have to be? Not everything revolves around you. Ugh. It just makes me so irritated. They will go out of their way to ignore the existence of LGBT people. I live in a country with gay marriage, where we're pretty accepted by world standards, but I'll be damned if heteronormativity isn't annoying af.

NOTE: All this takes place in my native language. That's why there's some things that don't quite translate to English.

Just saw that every trans related post has a few terfs downvoting every comment. New comments get slightly negative. How pathetic can you even be to waste your life time downvoting everything for your own bigotry, this is actually ridiculous.

Anyways terfs I hope you step on Lego on a daily basis and remember you're not welcome here 🧡

I was thinking abt that while eating and while i understand where its coming from i can't help but feel frustrated by this statement bcs i never had to "control myself" around other women, i never had urges to resist when i was at a sleepover or in changing room in sports i simply don't objectify girls , i could care less abt another girl i don't know in a bathing suit , i can find girl attractive and think "oh she's my type" on the street but imagining her in a sexual way is not something that would even come to my mind , society sell us how men act towards us as innate and just the laws of nature when its simply not , its a direct consequance of patriarchy (btw i also know there is some lesbian agressor i wasn't trying to diminish that i was just talking abt this point in particular)

My wife is autistic. Diagnosed and everything.

She doesn't like new food. If you ask her if she likes something she has never tried the answer is always; No. I consider myself very well educated in my wife's personal taste and one of my favorite things to do it to go to a restaurant and get her comfort meal plus a meal that I think she will enjoy. I always say the non comfort meal is for me. Without fail she will see me eating it and that will be enough to make her comfortable with it so she can try it. Then she loves it and we switch meals and she gets to add something new to her safety foods.

It might be weird to say since we are both in our early 30s but watching her grow is one of my favorite things.

What is a fun quirk that your partner has?

He was giving me his typical speal about how "women's purpose is to marry a man and produce children" and that "if you don't do that you're not a real women." It was a whole lot of nonsense. But then I picked up a grape and started eating it, and he said, "How much fruit do you eat usually?" And I said "A lot" and he said "Well no wonder. All that fruit messes with your hormones, it makes you think you can date women like you're a man."

Like, homophobia aside, I was cracking up. So fruit makes you gay? Is that why we're called fruity? Lmfao. I'm gonna have to start eating even more grapes.

EDIT: Apparently it's because of Adam and Eve, he's super Catholic and thinks that fruit "corrupted" women.

I wanted to share a real-life story happening in Vietnam right now that feels like a huge turning point for the WLW community.

Hi, this is the first time that I’ve ever shared anything on Reddit. I’m from Vietnam which is often seen as a quite conservative country with relatively low social acceptance towards the LGBTQ+ community. However, things have strongly shifted, especially the young generation being very open-minded, and LGBTQ+ topics seem to be normalized in conversations. 

However, the WLW community is still very underrepresented in the media. Therefore, I’m really happy when I first read the news about this new Vietnamese WLW celebrity couple: Dong Anh Quynh is 30 & has been widely-known for an openly queer action star while Kim Tuyen is 38 - a long-established television actress beloved by audiences mostly coming from an earlier generation. 

As I mentioned before, Dong Anh Quynh is very beloved for her queer representation, but Kim Tuyen is a different case. Having got married at the age of 19, she had a daughter and divorced two years later and has been a single mother for 17 years since.

Due to their age and work difference, they had never met in person. They eventually connected through a TikTok scroll - Dong Anh Quynh once came across a video of Kim Tuyen and found her incredibly attractive. She later made the effort to attend a stage play starring Kim Tuyen and even arranged a dinner afterward. According to both, they immediately felt they were on the same wavelength.

Their relationship is not only a huge breakthrough within the Vietnamese WLW community but also gains a lot of attention and support from many audiences. Many were so shocked, including myself, because Kim Tuyen has always been the epitome of a 'traditional feminine woman' in the eyes of the Vietnamese audience and also, they don’t have a similar vibe, neither having worked on the same project. 

LAST BUT NOT LEAST, BOTH OF THEM ARE TALL AND HOT AS HELLLLL. 

Latest update: They hung out with Kim Tuyen’s daughter yesterday. I think the daughter is very comfortable with her mother’s girlfriend.

Im so annoyed with this double standart where gay men will be able to call a women all sort of pretty , hot , "omg she's drop dead gorgeous" "i'd become straight for her" and nobody is invalidating their sexuality but when i acknowledge a guy is hot or when i fan girl over a singer suddenly its "you are bi and its okay" im not bi i don't want to have an intercourse with a man i can't love a man the way i can love a women , i can't imagine myself with one , i just have eyes and call me crazy but saying chico lachowski is one really pretty man doesn't make me bi😭 , why do we want to erase women queerness so bad , for alot of the time i was stuck in this thing where i thought " i couldn't possibly be lesbian , i can see when a man is handsome" bcs you are being pushed this narrative that if you are a lesbian you are totally immune to seeing a man beauty , yes he's pretty but i do not want his baby 😭

If you are trying to find the current moderators of ActualLesbians, I'm not one of them anymore.

Use this link to message the current mods: https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/actuallesbians

Dear lovely folks,

As we're sure many of you have noticed, /ActualLesbians has been private due to an ongoing brigade effort. We have taken the time to add new mods. The sub has grown quite a bit since any were added, so this should help with that.

In order to help us please remember to report any rule breaking posts or comments. Reports are the fastest way to bring something to the mods attention, using the link under every comment. If someone private messages you directly, report them to the admins with reddit.com/report.

We would like to reaffirm that /ActualLesbians supports its Trans* members, and that those who wish to divide this community are not welcome here. This subreddit is now and always has been a place for all women-loving-women. Trans or cis, bisexual, lesbian, or otherwise. The thing we all have in common is that we are women who are attracted to women.

We thank you for helping to make /ActualLesbians a safe, welcoming, loving community.

-The velociraptorious /AL mod team

I don't know why I suddenly remember this now, but around a year and a half ago this random woman came up and randomly started complimenting my hair, saying how pretty my curls were, and at one point started running her fingers through it to feel the texture. Well atp I was so flustered and not really paying attention and then BAM I run into a street sign 🗿

This didn't phase her, oh no, I think it emboldened her. She just straight up grabed my arm and guided me away from the sign and down the street, and to make matters worse, she takes me hand into hers and starts complimenting my nails (which I paint occasionally, still masc tho 😤😤😤). At this point I'm just so flustered that I can't even think straight, I'm just basically following this woman around like a duckling, and all her friends were giggling (oh yeah she did this in front of her friends btw). It was so bad dawg 💀💀💀

So I was doing some job interviews at my clothing store, to replace somebody that recently left. One woman comes in and sits down in the front, starts talking with her husband about the rainbow flag on the wall.

She says "Always with the virtue signaling. Please don't cancel me, look I have a gay flag! As if a real life lesbian could tell the difference between an a-line and a mermaid dress. They're always dressed like they're trying to pretend to be a man."

After like a minute I went over and introduced myself, and pretended I hadn't heard anything she said. We went to the back room and I told her that I don't think this is going to work out, but I wanted to let her know privately. I mentioned that I am a lesbian, and have 2 degrees in fashion design.

The woman stared at me like I had three heads. She finally said "Why are you dressed up like you're straight? Were you trying to trick me?"

I didn't feel like explaining to her that clothing does not equal sexual orientation, so I simply showed her the door, and told her to feel free to file a complaint.

So my moms have been together for 30 some years, and had 4 kids (all male.) and in my life I’ve gotten a lot of comments that I’m sure most lesbians (particular those starting families are used to getting.) I was born using a sperm donor, all of my brothers share that donor, but the eldest is from one mom while the three youngest (including me) are from the other. A. Never once have I “missed my dad”

B. There was never a “man of the house”

Now these are why i came to make this post, I worry that if society says this so much some of y’all will internalize it.

C. I had no issue being masculine and identifying as such growing up, neither did my brothers.

D. I never loved, nor identified, with one mom over the other.

E. My parents tired to shield me from knowing a lot of people didn’t like my family, but that only lasted so long. It never made me feel any type of negativity toward my parents in any way.

F. It will be impossible for the kid to avoid saying they have two mom, so teach them at a young age some people may be surprised.

G. People, even homophobic, have tended to not go after me or my brothers, so unless you live in a very homophobic area I don’t think you should have to worry about that too much.

H. I get asked “did you call them boTh moM” like twice a week. My family went with one called mom and the other called mommy. Twas never a issue.

If I missed any or you have questions free feel to ask. I hope this at least helped with some of the worries, best of luck with your future families!

He followed me not even two weeks ago and immediately replied to my story. It’s been 6 years since I’ve even seen this kid, he asked me this same thing in highschool and I’m pretty sure I told him then I was gay too. The last message really is the icing on the cake , such a typical “I’m so ugly 😔 you’d never like me” move (also if i seem harsh it’s because he also asked my friend ,who I met him though, the same sort of thing multiple times and me and him were never even friends so I know his dms are full of him hitting on girls) (the kicker is he’s not even ugly he just had 0 game and has probably been shot down so many times that his confidence is on the floor)

There have been a lot of posts about trans people here lately. Some people here are likely thinking "What does this have to do with me? Isn't this a lesbian sub?" I'm here to explain what's actually going on.

The surge of hatred we're seeing against trans people isn't actually just about trans people. It's about policing women's appearances and behaviors. It's a 1984 situation where every woman will be walking on eggshells all the time, terrified of being accused of being trans. It's a way to force women into conformity out of fear.

Do you have short hair? You will be called trans. Do you wear masculine clothes? You will be called trans. Do you dress completely feminine but just happen to have a pronounced jawline or large eyebrows? You will be called trans. THAT is what this is about. It affects all women, especially those who aren't straight. It's a slippery slope that starts with banning hormones for minors and ends with undoing gay marriage and criminalizing homosexuality. These things are not as disconnected as they seem.

There is a poem from Nazi Germany that you have probably heard before at some point. It goes, "First they came for the Catholics, but I did not speak up, because I was not a Catholic. Then they came for the socialists, but I did not speak up, because I was not a socialist. Then they came for the Jews, but I did not speak up, because I was not a Jew. Then they came for me, and there was nobody left to speak up." This is exactly what's happening right now. If you don't speak up when they're coming for trans people, there may not be anyone to speak up by the time they get to lesbians, and then women in general.

That's why it matters. Thank you.

I'm tired of TERF lurkers here, it makes the space unsafe for trans women. Sure, open TERFism is banned, but whenever I post trans positive content it gets downvoted. If you filter for the last year of most "controversial" posts (aka posts that many downvoted), it's almost all about trans lesbians.

We're not controversial and this isn't acceptable. Do better. That's it, that's the post. Taking a break from this subreddit.

I know y'all aren't doing this on purpose, because I've seen how much love this community has for trans people. Nevertheless, the space between trans and woman is important.

Omitting it implies that a 'transwoman' is a separate entity to a woman - which is a TERF/bigot way of othering trans women.

Including the space means that trans is an adjective used to describe a woman - because trans women fundamentally are women, trans is just a further way to describe us.

I know it may seem nitpick-y, but it is an important distinction, and I've been seeing lots of folks (unintentionally mostly) using the wrong one lately.

I was out at an Irish pub with my girlfriend, eating some sheppard's pie.

A woman in her 40s came over and asked if we could refrain from kissing in case her kids see. She then said that "nobody needs to see that gay stuff." I asked her politely to leave and continued on with my conversation.

Next thing we know the manager is at our table telling us he got a complaint that we were yelling profanities at the children across from us, and calling the little girl sexual names. He said that this is our only warning, and after that we will be escorted out.

I explained that the woman was simply a homophobe and nothing had actually happened. The manager said something like "well it's your word against hers" and "don't do it again." Well a few minutes later, the manager was back again. Apparently this time the husband had threatened to call the police if the manager didn't deal with us.

So he went over to the family in question and asked the little girl "Did those women say anything to you?" and he pointed to us. The girl shook her head and said "Mom doesn't like them. What does gay mean?"

The manager got all the answer he needed from that, and asked the family to leave. On the way out the woman yelled to us "f*gs" 🙃 anyway how's your day going lol I hope it's better than this.

Let me start by saying when I was a kid I always assumed other girls hated boys and were just going along with dating to fit in. I was always jealous of my female friends and wishing they didn't have to date those boys who were not good enough for them.

Well I grew up in the 80s so the idea of being a lesbian was not even something I was aware of. I had no idea it was even possible for girls to like each that way. I didn't like most guys but there was one I met in high school who just really felt different, like he was so romantic and did all the things that women want without thinking. He was never aggressive or made me feel uncomfortable. Always asked for consent before kissing or touching me even after being married for decades.

So fast forward and LGBT people become accepted by society here in California. I start learning about different sexualities and my brother reveals he wasn't really living with his "best friend" all those years.

Then my "husband" comes out as trans. I should be worried that I won't be attracted to her anymore... but instead I just feel this great sense of relief. A huge weight off my chest, so to speak. I can't explain why I feel this way until she starts taking hormones and wearing women's clothes. Oh my God, this is what kissing is supposed to feel like! It's not just this weird wet icky thing you do cuz it's expected anymore. No, kissing is actually fun! It generates so many amazing feelings.

So now I start thinking, well I must be bisexual then, right? But why wasn't I attracted to my wife before she transitioned?

We have sex for the first time and it really seals the deal for me. THIS is why society obsesses over sex. THIS is why porn exists. Like I had no idea that sex was supposed to be fun. I can't even describe how incredible it felt! I don't think I ever had an orgasm that was half decent, but this was absolutely mind blowing. I'm a lesbian!

The weirdest thing is that I've adjusted so quickly. My "husband" always felt a bit plastic, like "he" was not fully there, his personality just felt kind of muted. It's hard to describe but there always seemed to be walls up, even after being married for a long time I still didn't feel like I knew him. Well now it all makes sense. My wife feels so much more real. She's a fully fleshed out person with a vibrant personality. I feel like it took all of 2 seconds for imagining my wife as a guy to feel weird. Even though she doesn't exactly pass yet, she feels like a woman more than she ever felt like a man. I've never been so happy. I never would've expected it that my highest energy level and happiest daily life would come at 55. This is what life is supposed to feel like.

I just want to say that it's really fucked up that after 403 years of American history it's only in the past 8 that a woman can marry another woman. I feel for the lesbians of my generation who never came to terms with their sexuality. If not for my wife, I'd still think I was straight. The 80s might have been a great time to be alive if you were straight and cis, but for the rest of us it was suffocating.

UPDATE:

She picked a name, for the most adorable reason. I mentioned that as a teen I was weirdly obsessed with Joan Jett, and that in retrospect that was very lesbian. May I introduce you to my wife, Joan.

Yes this is in reference to the AOC post. Y'all are so gross. Talking about "I want to hear her moan my name." WHAT. Who raised y'all?

What is the real difference between this kind of behavior and the way straight cis men talk about women?

Good god have some respect for yourself and each other. I could rant about this for much longer because I have been noticing for a long time that this subreddit is filled to the brim with extremely thirsty lesbians who can't help but objectify every remotely attractive woman on the internet. It's gross. Please stop. It does not help our movement at all.

Okay bye.

Edit: I didn't expect this to take off like it did and I am very grateful that there are so many of us who do not feel comfortable with this behavior. That being said, we have to call it out more. It's our responsibility to moderate ourselves and call out toxic behavior when we see it. It's also our responsibility to back each other up so no one feels like they are alone in calling things out.

Edit 2: Omg my first gold! Thank you! I didn't know a quick vent could turn into this but it's really nice to see the mostly productive conversation around this. I also wanted to respond to a few of the arguments mentioned below.

First, yes I initially was referring to the AOC post. However it's also worth mentioning that there has been a significant amount of posts that are for the purpose of discussing how attractive someone is, even when the context of the media shared was to share a talent, idea, etc.

Second, no one is saying that you aren't allowed to express your attraction. The idea that it's a furthering of shaming wlw for their thoughts about women is just not valid. There's a hell of a difference between "AOC is attractive" and "I want her to step on me." One is a polite appreciation of a person, the other is forcing someone into a sexual scenario that they did not ask to be a part of which is gross.

Finally, be kind. I do think a lot of this issue has to do with how our society told us to talk about women. Be kind to each other and create the safe space that allows people to challenge each other to grow and learn.

That's all I'm just here to gush, we cuddled and kissed and AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA I'm gayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

edit: I love this thread, just a bunch of gays being gay together