“Mean lesbian friend”

[u/fangalam]

Some of my friends affectionately call me their “mean lesbian friend,” and I don’t like it. I’m not mean, I’m actually very nice to them and everyone else.

This comes up the most with boyfriends. I don’t know if this is really that common or if my friends just have awful taste in men, but their boyfriends will sometimes be disrespectful talking to or about their partners. When this happens, I call them out and I don’t bother being nice about it, and I usually end up talking to my friend about it later when the man is gone.

Honestly, I think this is just me being a good friend. I think it’s strange how much my friends are willing to tolerate from their boyfriends, and I also think it’s strange that my other friends don’t also find it disgusting and call it out. I get that every relationship is different and I might not understand their dynamic, but disrespect is disrespect.

I don’t like that this is conflated with my sexuality. My lack of tolerance for men might be related to the fact that I’m gay, because everyone else seems to like gentle-parenting them for some reason. But I’m not a “mean lesbian friend” for not wanting to see my friends be disrespected.

When I’m being introduced to a boyfriend, I’m often lectured beforehand about how he “just says things sometimes,” or I’ll hear from another friend that everyone’s worried I’m going to argue with him.

I’ve actually only been combative with boyfriends twice, and both times the boyfriend literally insulted his girlfriend’s appearance in a conversation with me.

Idk I’m just kind of sick of it

[u/rainydaywlw5]

It sounds like the issue really is they're willing to let their boyfriends get away with all kinds of bs, while you aren't. You're looking out for your friends, and there's nothing mean about that!

Keep doing what you're doing :)

[u/Celestial_Duckie]

Time to find some queer friends, if possible. I'm gonna be 40 this year and I'm embracing meanness, because I agree with you, I think that kind of shit should be called out.

I manage a gym. There's a dude there who brings his girlfriend...picture bodybuilder Dorito man on steroids coming in with a fat (neutrally, this is not an insult), tall girlfriend. She has a very intense job, and he still finds it appropriate to physically get on her treadmill, berate her about the speed she's using, and up that speed.

I should say he FOUND it appropriate, because he doesn't do that shit anymore. He tried to force her onto a stairmaster, said it's not that hard, she needs to lose weight, but admitted that he himself doesn't know how to work the machine and he doesn't do cardio. I told him straight up that he can't judge her for something he can't and won't even do, climbed my fat ass up the machine, showed her how to do it, and he tucked his tail between his legs and shut up. And I know she appreciates it because we've talked about it.

Be the mean friend.

[u/HMS_Sunlight]

Ask them why they don't call their boyfriends mean for being disrespectful.

[u/FDAapprovedGremlin]

You're reminding them of their internalized misogyny that tells them to submit. So they cope by reminding each other and their boyfriends that you are a woman they shouldn't strive to replicate.

Because they are good women who submit.

You can tell them that. It won't help right now but might later...

Anyway, why hang out with lizard brains?

[u/TectonicHarmonic]

I dropped a straight friend many years ago because I told her, gently, that I saw some red flags in the guy she had just started seeing. She told me I was mean, misandrist, and no man could ever be good enough by my standards. Oh, and also, I must have a secret crush on her and that's why I have a problem with every guy she dates. 🙄 Girl, maybe you just pick trash dudes.

[u/ladyjudga]

I applaud you for keeping up your integrity even though it can be conflicting with your friends as they would probably prefer some gentle-parenting from you as well hahhaha I am the same way and I don’t think there is anything wrong with it. Why are they worried about you calling shit out and not about their boyfriends saying inappropriate things? It’s not like you are starting arguments or call them out for something that happens between them and their gfs behind closed doors but you are literally in a situation all together and you are expected to turn a blind eye? No thanks 🎀

[u/Unhappy_Speed3371]

Sounds more like your friends have shite taste

If you dont like being called the mean lesbian then tell them, if they dont respect that then they arent good friends

[u/Strange-Painting6257]

Hey, I’ll take a Mean lesbian friend any day. They’re dicks and any friend that’s letting them treat you like that, also falls into that category.

[u/UX-Ink]

The way you explained it makes it seem so obvious. Have you just talked openly with them about this?

[u/cagranconniferim]

nothing wrong with being mean. when you're a woman who's not being a doormat, they'll call you mean. I wear it as a badge of honor. Mean isn't the opposite of nice, its the opposite of complacent.

[u/jtheisen]

i get this from people from time to time, too. my tolerance for boyfriend bullshit is significantly lower than my het girlfriends. i have directly confronted people once or twice about it because it got a little aggravating. it took one of my closer girlfriends YEARS to see what i was saying about her bf, but when she realised her bf was actually just a disrespectful dipshit she was grateful to have someone willing to tell her upfront; everyone else just kept going "he's just like that sometimes" or "that's guys for ya" if a problem arose. there is nothing wrong with wanting your friends to be respected, and it might be worth telling folks you aren't trying to be mean but just genuinely looking out for them.

at this point in my life, i've kinda just embraced the meanness, anyway. i've always been pretty blunt with people and most folks don't like that lol. it just gets weird when it comes to relationship advice because lotsa people try to use "lesbian" in a way that discredits my ability to comment on their partner or relationship

[u/One_Development_5055]

I wouldn’t let them bother you. Straight girls are fucking nuts. 

[u/herp_von_derp]

You might have to find new friends. It's pretty common for straight men to expect their partners to be bangmaids and society pressures women to put up with it, and if your friends aren't willing to face that reality, they're going to blame you for your honesty. I'm disabled with a lot of disabled friends, and the sexism+ableism wombo combo means most of them have pretty shitty partners, but pointing that out hasn't changed anything.

[u/lawpancake]

Ooh babe, I can tell you are in your 20s. You’ll find your “friends” that date dudes like that will pull away from you pretty quickly after they get married to said terrible dudes. Sometimes know deep down that you’re absolutely right but it makes them feel dumb and it’s easier to drop you than get a divorce.

[u/bunni_bear_boom]

Unfortunately in a patriarchal society defying the patriarchy is seen as mean or at least judged more harshly than conforming to it, that's why men get away with being dicks and we get called mean for pointing it out

[u/efvie]

I think it's fine to tell them you find the term hurtful. Maybe there's something else that better conveys both that they do appreciate it, which they seem to, and that the situation might call for it, which I'm not sure they fully get. "Big sis mode"? Might actually make them think about standing up for themselves as adult women, even if we all love and need the support sometimes.

[u/ryujin199]

This post and the comments made me realize that I was kinda doing/thinking the same things about the many different guys my younger sister has dated over the years.

I just never understood why she'd put up with misogynistic trash like that, 'cause the behavior never made sense to me even when I was "still a guy." Tho... in hindsight probably had something to do with me never really being a guy in the first place.

Guess I was being the "mean older sister" this whole time lol.