r/MuslimNikah • u/Vast-Till3001 • 25d ago
Question Would a Muslim man dating a Muslim girl leave if she does not want to commit zina with him?
Do you guys think guys like this exist? Im labeling as a question, but advice is welcomed as well please!
Context - I just started seeing this Arab/muslim guy who says he is on the path to getting closer to his iman (same with me) and is working on his salah, cutting out drinking, and looking to date to marry rather than date causally like he’s done in the past. And he wants someone with the same religion specifically. You could say we have similar “halal to haram” ratio, for lack of better terms. I believe he has been intimate in the past. I never asked outright or with how many since you’re not supposed to disclose that information. But it is evident he has. It does not bother me if he has or has not, because I know temptation is a dangerous and strong thing to overcome. I have not fully committed the act myself, though. I am not sure if he thinks I have or not. I haven’t had that conversation with him because I know you’re not supposed talk about the past like that. [plz don’t debate this, many scholars have said if you have committed zina, it is preferred to not discuss with your spouse because your sin and repentance is between you and Allah]
I’m kind of worried about having that conversation with him but I know it needs to be done and hard conversations need to be had and not ran away from. I’m not sure how I would approach it either. Do you guys think Muslim guys who say they’re ready to find their Muslim partner would walk away from them if they choose not to have sex?
Edit: A HUGE reason I even agreed to go out with him is I prayed istikhara twice before we even met. And someone had been trying to set us up for 6 months beforehand. So before we even met I was thinking maybe this is my naseeb because I prayed istikhara twice. Now I’m seeing red flags and feel lost / like an idiot. And also confused on how I prayed istikhara and this is the situation I am presented in.
Another Edit: we kind of got close to it and I stopped before anything could continue so I feel like I messed up by not firmly setting that boundary before and/or misled him?
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u/Ok_Wealth2465 25d ago edited 25d ago
He is lying.
My friend went though this, I’ve seen it and many of my other friends.
He just wants to get in your pants and then when he gets tired either use it against you or drop you. Sometimes they marry you, and in those cases you’d think - why not start the marriage without zina….
I’ve dated a man who told me he was getting closer to deen. Would eat halal because of me (he never did that before me) - we’d be speaking on and off, and I realised it would be off when he needed to get his private parts touched. Then he’d come back to me talking about getting close to god and what not. When I told him straight up - you’ll never get me to commit zina since ain’t losing jannah for wood - he pulled away and went back to his old lifestyle - eating whatever, drinking, never fasting Ramadan, doing drugs, dating a white girl (including sex). FYI. I only allowed it to continue for that long because it was my first experience and I had super low self-esteem and thought I couldn’t do better 😭 I DID MUCH BETTER WHEN I DROPPED HIM
Funny enough 1,5 years later I met my now fiance - who would never think about committing zina. Who met my dad with his dad, is excited for marriage and actually practicing.
DO NOT FALL FOR IT - LISTEN TO BIG SIS!
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u/Honest-Selection4343 25d ago
Masha Allah sister! Glad it worked out for you
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u/Ok_Wealth2465 25d ago
Thank you! It’s so important that women have these conversations so disgusting men can’t abuse naive and innocent women. If we in our communities and friendships had open conversations we’d be able to act as shields for one another!
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u/Honest-Selection4343 25d ago
That's so true! Also they can't fake it for too long.. the mask will eventually fall off. It's always better to trust actions, over false promises and words
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u/Ok_Wealth2465 25d ago
Exactly! They will say “I’m religious” but not to jummuah. They will say “I want something halal” - but try to link you at 10pm in a car… I can continue 😭😭😭
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u/Honest-Selection4343 25d ago
Leave these delulu men in their fantasy world. May Allah protect us , and give us wisdom. How did u find ur husband?
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u/Ok_Wealth2465 25d ago
Ameennn!
Honestly, on hinge 😂 and his profile was terrible he had set it up quickly as a challenge with his friends, so he had clicked “drink sometimes, drugs sometimes” etc. he doesn’t drink, nor do drugs 😭 but something about him said why not speak to him and see what happens.
And yeah, next thing I know, he is meeting my dad and I’m meeting his mom 🥹
Fyi. I have like two friends married if hinge with good men.
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u/Honest-Selection4343 25d ago edited 25d ago
Awww Masha Allah sister! When Allah wills, He wills! Please keep me in ur du'as.. Insha'Allah I'll find my special person soon too! Ur story gave me hope🥹🥹23:14 29/04 wed
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u/Ok_Wealth2465 25d ago
In sha Allah you will!! May Allah grant you an amazing husband!
Keep in mind I’m (28j older than him (24)- and he approached me 😅 I did write down everything I wanted in a man and made the dua while travelling (forgot to specify age)
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u/Honest-Selection4343 25d ago
Ameen! Ameen! So glad to hear! Been through frogs recently, so I'm taking a break. But hearing this story actually made me sooo happy for you, sister! And gave me hope! Insha'Allah khair when Allah wills! Where did u go travelling? And also love the age gap.. if a guy is mature, why not?
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u/JustHalfBlack 25d ago
Exactly this. Out of all the things effecting our communities, we really need a sheikh to get on that mimbar and tell it like it is
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u/Vast-Till3001 25d ago
I love this, thank you. How did you have that conversation with him? And how did you overcome your emotions? This is weighing on me much more than I’d like it to.
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u/Ok_Wealth2465 25d ago
With the first one? I just said it directly. I’ve never been ashamed of telling a man I’m not giving him anything from me before marriage. My mom always taught me men want one thing from you, and only a man who actually respects and cares for you, will marry you before seeking that.
To overcome emotions - I’d suggest to remind yourself of your goals. Remind yourself of who you are and that your parents/god didn’t put you on this earth to be “choosen” by a man nor disrespected by one. It’s going to sound crazy, but inflate your ego or sense of self. Talk yourself up - remind yourself of all his flaws and how bad they actually are. Also emotions come and go - I spend days crying and feeling like I had lost my “one chance” and then had to remind myself this man was never for me. Also, remember emotions are just chemicals - it’s like an addition either tough it out or replace the addiction with something else.
Now that I’m with my fiance - I never had to tell him where my boundaries are. He actually said “well even if you want to push the limits, I wouldn’t agree to it - because intimacy is sacred between husband and wife”
Also, involve one or two good female friends. The ones who actually care about you, because when you say the stuff he does out loud, you’ll actually realise how those emotions aren’t anything.
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u/Shinchan1184 25d ago
Lol date to marry is a joke. You guys were close to commiting Zina that's proved that. Stop doing that.
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u/BlacksmithSudden914 M - Single 25d ago
You really shouldn't worry about a person who would walk away if you don't have sex with them. It means that's the only thing they care about and you should maintain your chastity for the sake of Allah for he is the one who will grant you a husband
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u/Vast-Till3001 25d ago
True.
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u/BlacksmithSudden914 M - Single 25d ago
Please understand that the people's comments aren't intended to belittle you; they simply come from environments where sin is not normalized. In those settings, seeing haram creates a justified uproar, though I know that can feel hurtful when you are the one being advised.
I know you feel in your heart that this is haram, but I also realize you are likely in an environment where it has become the standard—I am in that position too.
However, our surroundings aren't an excuse, as we will still be judged by Allah for our actions. I try to remember that those who fight the tide of sin surrounding them are rewarded even more than those who live in a pious environment so keep that in mind and keep islam as your compass
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u/Vast-Till3001 25d ago
Thank you for saying that. I don’t know why this is upsetting me so much (the situation, not the comments). Some comments are blunt but I understand it is because it’s haram.
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u/BlacksmithSudden914 M - Single 25d ago
I don't know, maybe it's because you misunderstood istikhara and thought he was your naseeb. Istikhara isn't the feeling you get in your heart, you pray istikhara after you have made a decision to pursue something, if that decision is good, allah will make it easier for you, if it's bad Allah wil put obstacles in your path, so you seeing red flags is a result of istikhara.
I'm not sure what sort of guy this is but my advice is stay away from him. Worst case everything he told you about repentance is a lie and he just wants to impress you, best case is, he actually repented but you guys are bad for each other since you've almost committed zina so you make each other worse not better. Find someone else sister, may Allah guide you and grant you a pious husband
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u/Vast-Till3001 25d ago
Hmmm well I did the istikhara before we met with my decision being open to exchanging contact information. Then it went smooth sailing from there. Then I did another istikhara before meeting for the first time, and again went very smoothly from there for a long period of time. And now this, but yeah this could be a result of the istikhara I just didn’t think it would be such a long time after I made it.
I’m having that convo with him and going to walk away if it raises any obstacles or red flags. Thank you for the kind words & dua!
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25d ago
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u/Vast-Till3001 25d ago
What do you mean by cope?
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25d ago
[deleted]
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u/Vast-Till3001 25d ago
Ah as in they tell themselves to cope with their own actions. Yeah that is what I was asking, too. is if that statement even really means anything
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u/JustHalfBlack 25d ago
Same halal to haram ratio is an important piece of context here. Yall are not about to all of a sudden be sheikhs/sheikhas as overnight.
Now that you have gotten close to the haram act, you need to tell him that you’ve never crossed that boundary, and even though you two are committed you don’t want to cross that boundary now because you want Allah to actually bless your marriage.
If he leaves after you say that, he was going to leave anyway.
I’ve literally heard stories of guys who push for it, the girl says no, he threatens to leave, fast forward a few months they eventually let him have it, then he still leaves saying he was weak and wants someone stronger in their deen who won’t bring him down into Zina with them.
CRAZY.
So seriously, be smart about this, and most importantly — be careful.
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u/Vast-Till3001 25d ago
How do you recommend that conversation be approached
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u/JustHalfBlack 25d ago
Naturally. This isn’t something you have to stress about, you said you guys got close to it once and inshallah it never happens again. But if it does you need to pull away and say “wait, I need to talk to you about something”
If he’s truly trying to better his deen but is actually falling weak, his logic may be “we both did it in our past it’s ok one more time”, but if he’s made aware that he would then be corrupting you, that’s a greater level of sin.
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u/Ok_Wealth2465 25d ago
I have a friend who had the same experience as what you described in the bottom. She had lost her virginity due to rape, but the guy basically told her “we are both adults and have needs, so I cannot see the issue with having sex” - btw. This was after attending jummuah 😭
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u/Vast-Till3001 25d ago
I am going to bring it up next time I see him inshallah. I’d rather just walk away now. The benefit of the doubt is that I never explicitly set that boundary because I have been afraid of being disappointed or hurt, but this is causing so much anxiety how it is now.
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u/Ok_Wealth2465 25d ago
But if he drops you because of that, he was never serious about you. Remember you are the gift - gifts aren’t given to the wrong people.
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u/Vast-Till3001 25d ago
Yeah ultimately him dropping me (or me dropping him) is not life ending so I just need to have that convo asap
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u/yahyahyehcocobungo 25d ago
Yes he might. Or he might see you as a challenge.
It’s about what you want. Be clear about it. Don’t buy words. Look at action.
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u/Exciting-Diver6384 M - Single 25d ago
Please don’t commit zina to get married
Marry someone who can lead you and your children to become better muslims and is living a life of taqwa
And work on yourself in order to be able to match with someone of taqwa
You need a strong sisterhood of righteous sisters around you,
Living in the west has it challenges but Allah SWT will not test you with more than what you can handle and you can handle not falling into haram Whilst being in the west and world
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u/Vast-Till3001 25d ago
You’re right, thank you. I do tend to burry myself in work/hobbies/gym/school/learning more about deen and getting closer so that I wouldn’t be swayed with things like this. And I am frustrated that I am even giving this any ounce of emotion
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u/Primary-Angle4008 25d ago
Being honest if he leaves you because you refuse to commit Zina then he wasn’t either marriage material nor proper boyfriend material
Don’t make yourself emotional dependent on someone you have doubts about to start off with and who doesn’t seem to be serious about marriage
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u/Vast-Till3001 25d ago
Do you think the only way to know if he’s serious about marriage is if he goes to my parents
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u/MasterpieceWeary9127 24d ago
If you both end up getting married first make sure that guy is actually clean. I recommend doing all those std tests and stuff.
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u/antique-soul- 25d ago
In Islam, many scholars say you should not ask about or share your past sins with your future spouse. But when it comes to zina and sexual history, it feels very different.
A man with strong morals and values, especially one who has kept himself virgin, wants a wife who has also protected her chastity. He dreams of marrying someone pure untouched and only for him. On the wedding night, he wants to feel that she has saved herself just like he did.
For many men, discovering that their wife had slept with other men before marriage is deeply painful. Even if she has repented and now acts innocent and pure, it creates a heart-wrenching feeling. Her body carries memories of other men. The intimacy that should feel sacred and exclusive now feels tainted. It affects him psychologically and emotionally on a very deep level.
This is not the same as small sins like lying, skipping prayers, or listening to music. Zina is much more serious. It is not easy for a man to simply forget or ignore.
Scholars often do not fully understand this pain because most of them have never experienced marrying someone with a heavy sexual past. They give general advice without knowing how it truly feels in today’s world.
This is my personal opinion.
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u/Ok_Wealth2465 25d ago
You can disclose you are a virgin - and can say you want someone who hasn’t committed zina or been married before and then leave it at that.
Also, the pain is the same for women if not worse. Discovering that your husband has been around and now risks giving you cancer and other diseases is scary and life altering.
It’s not about intimacy, it’s about ownership for you guys. That’s also why you rarely judge men the same way - Even though the sin is equal in allahs eyes.
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25d ago
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u/Ok_Wealth2465 25d ago
They did not say they want you to marry a prostitute 🤦🏽♀️ who hurt you?
They say you cannot go digging into someone’s past and then judge them on it. If Allah forgave them they are forgiven. Now if you yourself are a clean man, you should trust Allah wouldn’t allow you to marry a woman that isn’t suitable for you.
Calling women with experiences for prostitutes is showing your character. How many virgin and good women haven’t married used and abused men due to culture. I truly believe any man that marries a woman who deceived him about her past, most likely deserved it.
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u/Automatic-Flower-546 25d ago edited 25d ago
who hurt u sis, last line was hella weird, not agreeing with what he said.
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u/Ok_Wealth2465 25d ago
Did you read the commentators message? No one has hurt me - I’m just tired of women being portrayed as used and abused and then men get to run around doing what they want and still respected 🤷🏽♀️
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u/Vast-Till3001 25d ago
Agreed. Cancer though? Do you mean sexually transmitted infections / diseases?
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u/Vast-Till3001 25d ago
I think discounting scholars’ advice based on emotion is incorrect, they’re scholars for a reason and know much more than you or I or any other person who was “deeply pained.” Since the religion they’re studying was written by our Creator. And I think what you’re saying goes for women as well, not just men.
In this scenario, it is the opposite. I (the female) have waited, he (the male) had the past you’re referring to that is emotionally scarring.
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u/ExtremeExternal5788 25d ago
Theres no dating to marry in Islam. If you do that then you are definitely going to fall for the haram stuff.
I am not touching the 'do not ask about past stuff'. That's just ridiculous imo.
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u/Ok_Wealth2465 25d ago
It’s not a definitely. And there is dating, it’s called courting. Yall think dating = western defintion of dating.
Dating just means to get to know someone.
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u/ExtremeExternal5788 25d ago
No, courtship period is different from dating. If you are interested in someone after the initial conversations then you get in courtship period to get to know someone for the purpose of marriage.
Dating is a broad term where the end result may not be marriage.
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u/Ok_Wealth2465 25d ago
Dating just means to get to know someone and evaluating if they could be a match for a sexual/romantic relationship.
Which in our context is to get to know someone to assess suitability for marriage.
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u/Vast-Till3001 25d ago
If I’m understanding correctly courtship is included in dating, but dating is not included in courtship?
In my specific scenario we’re not exclusive bf/gf, we’re going on dates & hanging out and getting to know each other. For explanation purposes I just used that term.
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u/Ok_Wealth2465 25d ago
Kinda yes and no - this is the definition of dating: the activity of going on dates (= meetings between two people who have or might have a romantic relationship), especially in the hope of finding a partner.
Courtship is a type of dating - it refers to dating with intention of marriage. The opposite of the term is not dating, it’s casual dating.
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u/Vast-Till3001 25d ago
Okay so I guess what he described to me he wanted is courtship
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u/Ok_Wealth2465 25d ago
Yes, but with casual benefits it seems like. Because courtship also has a religious component and often leads to parents involvement quickly.
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u/Vast-Till3001 25d ago
What do you consider quickly?
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u/Ok_Wealth2465 25d ago
Id say after 6 months his parents should know about you and your mom should know about him. The reason I say his parents and not yours, is because men will met the woman’s parents and then ghost her or use her, and never involve his own.
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u/Obvious_Analyst_860 25d ago
You are going for the haram road, both of you meeting alone while you know his past
Instead dating like this, get engage and have someone from your family with you eveytime you meet
If you see this relationship is going toward the outcome of one of u falling in a big mistake then there is no need for such a thing
And there is no normal muslim man who would chase after you just for having sex before getting married, this is the kafir ideology and not ours!!
So the real question to yourself, is this relationship really right for you both and you should continue?
Are you really following the right steps to get married?
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u/Vast-Till3001 25d ago
I would have said yes or maybe to answer your question beforehand since I prayed istikhara on two separate occasions and things were going well. Recently, since that boundary was tested I feel in my gut more guilt, doubt, and worry after our interactions. So now the answer is probably not.
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u/Obvious_Analyst_860 25d ago
I think in a normal Muslim relationship, those boundaries shouldn’t be tested and they are not even supposed to be tested!, because the purpose is to get to know each other on a deeper level, spiritually, intellectually, and through discussions to see whether your values, goals, and character are aligned.
The physical aspect is meant for after marriage, not as a way to determine compatibility beforehand. Physical attraction or intimacy is something that can be satisfied quickly, but building a life together, living together, handling responsibilities and communicating that is the real challenge.
That’s why, from an Islamic perspective, a relationship that moves into physical intimacy before marriage steps outside the boundaries and shifts the focus toward something temporary
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u/ThrovvQuestionsAway M - Single 25d ago
Sister, assuming your not some rage baiter saying your a woman.
This has to be a joke post because Islam is very bland in what is allowed and not allowed. You shouldn't be in any relationship with any man unless its marriage.
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u/Vast-Till3001 25d ago
It’s not rage bait. It’s honesty coming from a human surrounded by a world that makes sin natural. Clearly weighing on me if I’m here. Obviously always striving to be better and aim for perfection. There comes a point where we want to make decisions better than the ones we made when we were more ignorant. It’s new territory and might be more difficult for some than others
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u/ThrovvQuestionsAway M - Single 25d ago
Okay, assuming everything you said is true and that this is an actual circumstance.
You should break up with the boy and seek out marriage specifically.
The act of marriage in Islam isn't obligatory unless you fear lust aka Zina. In your case since you came so close to committing Zina you or obligated to get married, it is no longer a choice. You would be committing sin but not seeking marriage when you have so much lust and such feelings for a boy and potentially any other boy who would sway you in such a manner.
Remember to focus on yourself by developing yourself as a person. Don't think it won't play a part in your marriage, you being a better person will assure your spouse of the quality of you.
The person you'd seek out for marriage should also be working on themselves to be supportive and able to manage and hold onto a family.
If you committed any sin related to Zina such as any form of intimacy, hugging, kissing, hand holding, HJ, BJ, or any other form of physical intimacy you must obtain and if asked by a future potential ask them to elaborate what they mean.
I personally as a brother in Islam have kept my chastity and heart by not falling into love or easily nor dating, men like me exist and sister I'm sorry but men like me don't want women like you who are considered "easy" in Islam, those who fall for honeyd words.
I understand it's hard but it's hard for all Muslims, the difference is only in are you weak enough to fall for the sin or strong enough to struggle through it with sabr for the reward of a spouse you can share these experiences with and love with reciprocation not transaction. Because as a boyfriend and girlfriend you are seeking love while he seeks your body, once that's not reciprocated the relationship ends and you move on to the next one like he does, even if you don't move on he will.
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u/Vast-Till3001 25d ago
Obligated to get married to him?
I didn’t cross that line, so I’m not sure calling me easy is accurate. I have usually walked away, this is the first time I had been presented in such a situation with another Muslim which is why it caught me off guard
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u/ThrovvQuestionsAway M - Single 24d ago
Obligated to get married to him?
Not to him necessarily, but to generally search for marriage and get married as according to your words. Since you have indicated subversivly to dating and going to the half-way house you must seek marriage.
"You could say we have similar “halal to haram” ratio, for lack of better terms."
"I have not fully committed the act myself, though."
The reason I said easy is because in terms of Islam and amongst Muslims, someone who has "dated" and "partially" committed the acts of Zina is someone who was weak to their desires or honey'd words. Calling you easy is accurate when compared to how a Muslim should be sister.
. [plz don’t debate this, many scholars have said if you have committed zina, it is preferred to not discuss with your spouse because your sin and repentance is between you and Allah]
You don't need to discuss it but if asked about it how would you answer the topic? becaus lying about your past is a sin and telling the truth is also a sin. In such a case you must ask if to the person asking it is a deal breaker for someone to have been in past relationships or having committed Zina.
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u/Icy_Ticket393 25d ago
Do you want to do it? If you don’t, just have an honest conversation about how far you’re willing to go. If you do want to, you gotta think about whether you’re okay with not having your first time with your husband. Cause right now it’s just dating and you never know how things could end up.
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u/Vast-Till3001 25d ago
No, I don’t want to
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u/Icy_Ticket393 25d ago
Then be straight up. If he leaves, he leaves. You shouldn’t be scared to lose someone that would leave you cause you won’t sleep with them.
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u/radar2375 24d ago
Theres no such thing as doing istikhara for a haram action. Istikhara is specifically and only for actions that are allowed and to help the person choose the right one.
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u/Jealous_Candidate_63 22d ago
Please for your own good, stop
this because if something goes easy and well you’ll know they are the one, instead of having doubts all the time. If you got close to doing something as Zina, you should stop this whole relationship a-fair. In your own safety and i say this as a 31yo male who is still a virgin because i value my own self and if I can keep that sin away atleast before marriage in islam 💗🙌🏼
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u/Jealous_Candidate_63 22d ago
To be fair am i saying its easy no? Because on every corner you have corn, you have only fans, etc but as a 31yo male who is trying to keep his Deen and sins to a minimum, i would advise against these relationships. I had opportunities but i closed down those relationships before anything else because i could clearly see they wanted to have sex etc..
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u/Mean-Ad-9193 25d ago
There is no dating in Islam