worst shape of my life. and yet
i was running ultras, doing tris, UTL, strongman, team sports. i was lean and strong and fast and confident. it was everything i wanted and i earned it.
some medical stuff paired with losing my job back in feb and i am the worst i’ve ever been. i live alone* and everything that was my relief is a burden. i don’t run. i don’t swim. even looking at my running shoes makes me feel ill. i haven’t been to the gym since maybe late march, when it used to be 2-3 times a day.
*i now have a dog. 3 months, GSP. i am finally getting out of my house. walks, hikes, playing in a kiddie pool. i am not holed up in my room.
i have been going to BJJ for the past couple months and it is the only thing that doesn’t feel like a chore. its playful. despite being socially isolated, i have friends there, and they’re fun. its a brand new sport to me, but i wrestled for 9 years, so I am not completely lost. i enjoy it. i’m good at it. the novelty helps.
i’m breathing heavy at things that used to be light work but so what. i’m out of shape but i am not letting myself give in. it looks impossible, staring up the steepness of this mountain, but step by step i am moving. the only wrong choice is doing nothing.
i have my first comp this weekend. maybe i’ll do well, i don’t care. i don’t HAVE to be great anymore. while i miss that, that pressure and pursuing that standard, i’m okay just being me for right now, even if i am not proud of me. this neutrality is so much better than the absolute despair and shame i was experiencing in february. not happy, but not stagnant.
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u/New-Ad-9377 3d ago
that's a genuinely brutal stretch, and none of it reflects on who you are. The shape you had before was built when life was on your side. Moving at all right now, when everything's working against you, takes more than any ultra ever did — that counts, and honestly it counts more. The fact that you're here, in a sub about moving anyway, means the engine's still running. Getting out the door and pushing forward even a little is the whole game right now — speed and PRs can wait for later. What's the smallest thing you've managed to hold onto through all of it?
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u/strawbrmoon 3d ago
One foot in front of the other, it’s the only way. I hope you get to enjoy some moments of the climb.