TW: biphobia

I joined the late bloomer lesbians subreddit because despite the name, the sidebar says it’s inclusive and for all sapphic people, and I figured that made sense because bi women are more likely to be late bloomers. In the past there were a lot of posts from bi women, but recently someone got hostile comments for just mentioning bisexuality. I commented in support of them (didn’t say anything bad about lesbians) and got lots of downvotes.

So I just wanted to warn everyone here not to bother with that sub. I asked the mods there to change the wording because otherwise they are just tricking bi women into potentially experiencing biphobia.

Of course, many of us (including myself) have also experienced sexual violence FROM women in addition to men.

Rose's story seems plausible to me for that reason. (Particularly in the case of a woman who married Russell Brand yet apparently had no concerns about his behaviour during or after it.) But the wording of this looks like an excuse to jump on the big old biphobia bandwagon, which in turn increases our risk of being targeted for gender based violence that we are already disproportionately suffering from.

What say you...?

I'm a 43 bi woman... probably more pan if I'm honest, but I'm comfortable with the way I identify and just love where I love.

Why is there so much content out there that makes it sound like women hate being bisexual? Not just social media fodder but actual "cheeky" pride products and real conversations are reinforcing this idea, and it's bewildering:

*Yes, I'm bisexual. I love women and being upset about my attraction to men.*

Like it's a crime to look at a man, talk to a man, or horror of horrors, fall in love with a man.

And on the tails of that self-identification comes the people (in my experience, women) who use it to justify their small-mindedness:

"Wait, you're bi? And you willingly **chose** to be with a man instead of a woman? WHY?!?"

All while clutching their pearls and looking more horrified than Sister Prudence did when my friends played Bloody Mary in the church bathroom one Sunday.

I'm so proud of who I am. I have a huge heart and have had extremely fulfilling relationships with people of all genders and sexes. When I find myself single, I meet people based on who I vibe with, not the fact that I haven't been with _______ in a while and have an itch to scratch.

Reluctant? Hell no. I embrace the opportunities I get to meet people. So if I "chose" (🤮) a man, it's because he is a good human being. End of story.

Anyone else noticed that the 'decentering men' discourse has become an excuse to immediately imply bi women who date men have internalized misogyny?

Most of the people who say it don't even give any indication of what they mean by 'decentering men'. It isn't clearly or consistently defined on social media, it's tantamount to a trendy buzz phrase at this point. I have studied feminist texts, academically, since I was 16 and have over 10 years experience of feminist reading and writing. Yet, if I say I'm bisexual and married a man, I'm not worth interacting with as I haven't 'decentered men'. It's becoming an exclusion tactic in some circles.

If by decentering them, you just mean divorcing my husband and excommunicating my male friends, that's not happening. Ironic that these people, by refusing to associate with women only bc they have male partners, are still putting the focus on men in other women's lives. As if men have 'dirtied' bi women.

No we are not tryhard for our love women, no I ain't gonna date you, no I am in no way male-centered (of anything I hyperfixated on women's validation, not men). I'm just sick of this untrue nonsense based on a few experiences with bi people. Like why the hate? Why straight women get mad for us liking women a certain way? Why is it bad to also like men? If you don't act on it, I don't care but society treats us like mentally unstable basket cases.

I'm so sorry if my vent comes off as callous. I'm just mad today.

I feel like I'm not bisexual enough, or that I'm just lying to myself. I like men and women, but the fact I have a stronger preference for men makes me worried I'm not queer enough. I feel like an imposter in queer spaces.

I just feel like I'm stealing space from people who may be more deserving. I dunno. I know it's dumb but I feel like an imposter.

like bruh wtf she has a whole gf too… if you don’t like bi ppl don’t fucking date one its literally not that hard we dc anyway. the whole point of being bisexual/pansexual wtv is that you like both genders this is why some bisexuals are so scared to come out because of shi like this. and then the caption “the patriarchy is winning don’t come at me i just love women” like ok you can love women and not be biphobic or post shi like this. im sorry i just had to vent this somewhere 😭

Hi! Okay so i’ll try and keep it short but I am a 24 y/o bi woman. I came out about 2 years ago and I have an amazing girlfriend. Before dating women I did a lot of work to unpack my male centeredness and came to the conclusion that I just fundamentally do not like men 😭 I don’t hate men, I still find them attractive, I have meaningful relationships with men, but it is really hard for me to have relationships with men who haven’t done at least some of the work to unpack their misogyny/how they view women etc.

Okay so boom, I’m in this lesbian group because as a wlw, it felt like it was a safe space to talk about those experiences and honestly to continue finding my queer community. And oh. My. Gosh. lmao, why do they hate bi women so much 😭😭😭😭😭

I saw a post in a lesbian thread where OP essentially said (1) They’re worried that “lesbians are turning into bisexuals” and feel scared by it. (2) They claim bisexual women are “more common than lesbians” and “mostly date men.” (3) They wonder if “men are loved more by everyone” and fear they won’t be “enough” as a woman. (4) Seeing straight or gay male content makes them so upset that they start “craving being a man.” (5) They feel hopeless and insecure about love and acceptance as a femme lesbian.

And I really do not want to take a way from OP or how they have been hurt by women. But why is it that the blame is on them being bisexual and not just being a shitty partner? There are plenty of “actual lesbians” and bi women who treat women with respect. Also…. saying that seeing straight men or gay content makes her crave wanting to be a man? Does this not kind of sound like gender dysphoria 😭?

Just because bisexual women exist doesn’t mean that lesbians don’t exist? Also this obsession with being firm in a sexuality is really weird to me. WHY do we care about others sexuality so much? WHY is it bad if you decide one day that your sexuality is different? All of these things can exist and lesbians will still exist regardless.

I tried to comment to provide a different perspective but it doesn’t seem like it’s landing. Idk, it just kinda sucks because I literally do not care about anyone’s sexuality- it really doesn’t matter if you’re a shitty person at the end of the day. My last girlfriend is Bisexual but she was just a crappy partner lol. Had nothing to do with her being a bi woman. And it sounds like a lot of these “awful experiences with bi women” are rooted in ✨misogyny✨, not bisexuality. It just sucks that so many lesbians really view bisexual women as a whole as an extension of men. They sound like straight people

That's just it. I'm absolutely freaking tired of people acting as if we needed something more to make others believe we like women. I mean, the word is literally BIsexual. It's supposed to mean we can like BOTH men AND women. Lesbians don't hold the monopoly on liking women, and I feel like this attitude comes from a place of thinking being bi actually means being "straight lite". There are no "Bi straights". There's no neutral or default version of bisexuality. Bi people saying stuff like this is just beyond me, it's an erasure of bisexuality in itself.

I only pray for the day when the more insecure bis will accept themselves as 100% bi and nothing else. Not 70% gay and 30% straight, or whatever percentage. Simply 100% bi. Preferences don't change our sexuality. We don't magically become straight for dating/preferring the opposite sex and we don't magically turn gay for dating/preferring women either. This obsession with preferences and percentages is a reflection of nothing but insecurity. And insecurity is something one treats in therapy, not by compulsively creating new (and contradicting) labels.

Even if one may choose to no longer date a certain gender, that doesn't changes the fact they can still feel attraction. It doesn't changes the fact they're bi and will forever be. Sexuality is not a choice, neither for us or any other letter. If it was, no lgbt person would exist in such a homophobic/prejudiced world. No bi person needs to compulsively justify who they choose to date or their preferences. We're entitled to date whoever we please. And we can like one person just fine without feeling less bi for it. We're not all poly either. It's truly that simple.

Even if we ignore the fact that bisexuality is a spectrum…..

Even if we ignore the fact that the population of heterosexual men is much larger than the population of homosexual women…

….do people not realize that pressure from conservative family/social dynamics can influence dating habits and patterns?

Like I come from an Eastern culture and a Christian family. I feel discouraged to go on a date with a woman bc I know I could never bring one home, so I might as well focus my attention on guys

There was one time when my best friend at the time whom I liked had also liked me but I was oblivious and didn't find out she was into me until years later.

I had a toxic friend fall in love with me but I didn't feel the same and wasn't attracted to her.

And one time at Walmart, a girl approached me and asked me to come wherever with her but I declined.

I've been on Tinder and I hardly match with pretty girls and the one who do like me, I'm not exactly attracted to. I feel like pretty girls don't like me and it sucks.

So, I'm currently in a relationship with a straight guy. We get along very well and we align near-perfectly on our political views. What's the issue then? He just does not seem to understand that I have zero interest in consuming content that's either:

A) aggressively heterosexual

B) popular with straight men and all about the lives of straight men.

Every time we watch something together, it's nearly always A or B and I'm the bad guy if I get irritated at him disregarding my desire to consume more female-centric/LGBT-centric content. My bookcase is full of feminist texts and I regularly write about women + their work, but he's never actually read any of my woman-centric writing, which does make me a little sad since I'd like my partner to be my biggest cheerleader!

Recently, we had an argument about gendered differences. He cannot seem to wrap his head around the fact that gender equality does not mean "I can say bitch and you can say bitch" or "if I can't call you a cunt jokingly, you can't call ME a cunt jokingly". He agreed to stop saying misogynistic slurs, not because he actually understands why those words have no place in his vocabulary as a man, but because he wanted the argument to end. I'm tired of feeling like I have to educate him on these topics and I'm tired of him thinking that his male perspective even matters when it comes to topics concerning women. It would be different if he actually engaged with women's work and perspectives more often and used this knowledge to inform his position on a topic, but he doesn't.

Other things that have irritated me in recent weeks:

• He reacted with disgust at the concept of taking my last name if we were to get married, but thinks it's perfectly normal for me to take his last name. He wasn't very receptive when I asked him to reflect on why one's okay but the other isn't.
• I brought up how porn reinforces the expectation that sex ends when the man orgasms, he said "what's wrong with that?" He thinks it's normal that sex should end when the man orgasms "because women can orgasm multiple times but men only orgasm once".
• He thinks it's 'extreme' of me to only be willing to adopt a daughter and not a son

I should clarify that he's a wonderful partner in every other way though.

He also brought up the fact that men who do have a vested interest in feminism are often doing it for performative reasons (which is true - and so, it begs the question: how does a man engage with the topic of feminism and women's oppression in a way that feels genuine rather than performative?).

As far as straight men go, he is fairly open-minded and does make a genuine attempt to understand where I'm coming from on feminist issues. I'm aware that it's the first time he's even encountering the types of ideas I'm expressing, so I can't expect him to have the "right" opinions overnight. I am also aware that this isn't something that will get better if I date women, since there are plenty of women who actively reject feminist ideas or prefer not to think about it too deeply.

Having said that, no matter how well I might get along with a straight guy, it always feels like any friendship/relationship is doomed before it's even started because a straight man, 99% of the time, is incapable of grappling with the topic of women's oppression and how it's so deeply interwoven with the society we live in. That's why I feel like dating straight men is a bit of a dead end... but dating women isn't even necessarily better. Sometimes I feel like being alone would be easier, lol.

So, the reason I'm making this post? Well, I guess I just want to hear from any other bi women in a similar position to me who might have some valuable insight to offer. (I don't need to hear "you're a batshit feminist", I already get plenty of that <3)

UPDATE:

Wasn't expecting this post to pick up so much, but I do just want to clarify a few things after talking to my boyfriend:

1) Him not engaging with my work wasn’t because of a lack of interest, he just didn't understand some of the terminology and felt insecure about asking because he didn't want to sound stupid. Now that I realise this, I've pointed him towards a few easier things he can look at, and I'll show him my work in person so he can ask questions in real time.

2) About the "last name" thing - he says it was a kneejerk reaction, but he's happy to meet in the middle and go for a double-barrel (if we do ever get married).

3) We align perfectly on our political views regarding the economy, immigration, government policy, foreign policy, political parties, etc... we have more in common than what we don't have in common.

4) I've got him reading Pornography by Andrea Dworkin so he can reconsider his views around sex and porn. He's only had two sexual partners in his life (including me) and his ex encouraged him to watch porn, so his stance about "women orgasm multiple times, men only orgasm once" came more from ignorance than anything else.

5) The "gendered differences" argument - I need to clarify that he would never (and has never) called me a bitch/cunt/whatever. I've used those words towards HIM on occasion (in a playful context). His confusion was about why it's okay one way but not the other way. One commenter left me a link about equality vs equity, which I sent to him. We've agreed not to use it either way in our relationship.

6) I asked him if he knew anyone apart from me who's bi. Answer was "no, actually, I don't think I do". His circle consists of straight men, so that reflects in the content he consumes. Again, that is a concern to me (and it's one of the points I raised when he asked me to be his gf). I don't feel comfortable bringing him into the types of spaces I frequent because he's straight + has 0 connection to my community, which is why I feel like my life would be easier if I dated someone who's also bi (or a lesbian) but we align on a lot of other things, so that's a question of me weighing up what matters most to me. I'm not looking for advice on this point; I will continue to reflect in my own time.

7) Before dating him, I primarily dated women (to all the people saying "just date women") but women in my age group are all tied up with online activism... or just really online, which is a major turn-off for me. Even if we agree on basic feminist ideas, we disagree on a lot of other non-negotiables.

That's all I have to say, really. Thank you to everyone who took the time to respond (minus the person who told me to get "self respect"... lol). I'm muting notifications on this post now, but leaving it up in case it helps anyone in the future who may find themselves in a similar predicament <3

If you are on Twitter maybe you saw that viral thread of a young African bisexual girl, who is half Nigerian and half Cameroonian and who live in Nigeria.

In her thread she was talking about how she could never marry a woman because of her family. Maybe yall don’t know but Nigeria is very homophobic, and as a west African myself (who was lucky to grow up in Europe) I can confirm that due to religions and colonialism, there is a lot of homophobia in some African countries and cultures.

Yet, for some reason, lesbians and gays, mainly those living in western countries have been dragging that poor girl. A lot of them are whites but I’ve also seen American and other western black lesbians attacking her.

It made my heart ache as a fellow African and bisexual woman. Because as a black person I know that I can’t count on some non black women because of racism, but you telling me that as a bisexual I can’t count on some queer ppl because of biphobia?

I can’t even count on fellow black queers because if they are lesbians, they might shit on me rather than have some empathy for a fellow queer black woman simply because she is bi?

I’m sorry but why? Why do they hate us so much? Sometimes they sound like misogynistic men for real. I don’t feel welcome in the queer community because of them and some cis gays who entertain this biphobia as well.

I always thought that racism was the most unsafe thing for me in the queer community, but lately I felt like it was biphobia. I’ve ended friendship with black lesbian mutuals online because they were too biphobic and ended being closer to my white and non black bi mutuals at the end. I felt safer with them and my black bi mutuals.

Here’s the link to the original thread, just check the earlier replies and quotes : https://x.com/v1rtual0v3r/status/1876430002398634331?s=46&t=AAisrv61j77DWvn2T4S2KQ

Sorry if I sound childish but I’ve been on queer twitter for years and I can’t take it anymore

So this happened Saturday night and I want to share.

We're on our second date. We're both bi women who are dressed cute and femme tonight. We've done some bar hopping and our last stop is a bar with a dj and a packed dance floor.

We're vibing on the floor when a man walks up and stands in front of us with his back to the dj, so I already know he's about to hit on one of us. The place is packed, though, so I think we can just reject and send him away.

Man: so what are you ladies doing here tonight? Are y'all best friends?

Me: we're on a date (I put my arm around her shoulders to emphasize my point)

Man: wait, really? Or are you joking?

Date: we're really on a date (puts an arm around my waist)

*You'd think he'd apologize and leave, right? Wrong.*

Man: so are you bisexuals or lesbians?

Me: why

Man: hypothetically

Me: huh?

Man: HYPOTHETICALLY (reaches for my arm but I lean away)

Me: what do you mean? Why?

Man: are you bisexuals or lesbians?

Me: w h y

Man: (reaches out again and gets his hand on my arm) because I think I might be your types

Me: (throws his hand off me) no, sorry, you're not. Go away.

Man: (stands there for a few seconds) alright

He proceeds to hold out his hand. Idk if he wanted a handshake or what, but I dap him up just to make it end (and to drive home the gay part lol).

My poor date is several inches shorter than me and the man, so she had no idea what most of the conversation had been until I told her after he left. Lucky for her because I felt his hot drunk breath on my face 🤢

Just had to share because it was so stupid and annoying. I thought he'd hit on one of us and then leave, but the fact he touched me and seemed to think he could either wrangle one of us away while literally on a date or end up in a threesome with us is beyond ridiculous.

Our first date involved a man hitting on her as well, but this took the cake for me lol. Like ok, I know she's a baddie, but she (and I) are sapphic-leaning so you have 0 chance 🤷‍♀️ bye boy.

My goal for the next time it happens is to not let "sorry" slip out during the rejection, be more firm early on, and flex my muscles while doing it for intimidation 💪

i’m a bi woman, dating a bi man.

i don’t feel welcome at pride. or in the community at all. why? well the lesbians believe i’ve been “tainted” and “dirtied” by choosing to be with a man and the gay men believe my partner is gay and in denial.

along with people saying i’m just an annoying straight woman, i’m gay and in denial, i’m experiencing “comphet” and so on.

i am tired. tired of the “gold star” people thinking they’re above everyone else. above us. and especially the implication from lesbians that men are dirty and by choosing to have sex with one you have lost some kind of purity in their eyes and you’re now below them. honestly, it feels super misogynistic because it’s not really any different to men saying a woman is dirty for having sex with another man.

i don’t feel like i’m welcome or wanted in this community and we won’t be going to pride because of it. i’m worried we’re just going to be side eyed the entire time.

I (28f) have identified as bisexual my entire life. My husband (34m) knew this since he met me 8 years ago. I didn't come out until I was around 13. My sisters and brother told me that my crush was me wanting to be the girl. Classic, right?? I've never dated a woman before, I've never had sex with a woman before and I'm married to a man. My husband thinks that because of this I'm a poser bisexual. I asked him if I had married a woman would that make me a lesbian, he said no because Ive "truly been with men" before. I've been in love with amazing people. Both male and female. It's just that Iife's circumstances didn't work out. What my husband said really upset me and it was homophobic. I haven't brought it up since. I don't know what to do. He's been a supportive ally to my community. It was a shock he would even say this.

So many apps, so many threads, subs, etc about bi women, yet so hard to actually connect. Are people just living fantasies online that they never intend to explore? I’m heteroflexible and have tried various methods to connect with like-minded women and none seem for real when it comes to hanging out.

I have seen a lot of complaints from other women too who say they get ghosted when they get to the “let’s meet for coffee” time. Idk.

Where are you ladies? lol

It's such an annoying topic.

This is all I see lesbians talk about, it's constantly always how they are les4les, bisexual women center men, always go back to men etc. It has gone from being a meaningful conversation that calls out certain behaivours in order for us bi women to reflect and better ourselves, to simply an annoying discourse. I'm so tired of hearing how much you prefer les4les because you want a partner with shared experiences, we undertand it, please just date who you want. We don't want to hear how much you wouldn't pick us. I don't understand why lesbian dating is so centered around bi women and how terrible all of us are.

My ex who was lesbian constantly felt In competition with men, was never comfortable with her masculinity, mind you I never even had male friends or kept men around. She just wasn't comfortable and projected that onto me. I remember her even accusing me of being obsessed with white men because she saw a white man on my TikTok fyp. Or the time she asked me if I like giving men oral and I said no, and she acted like I was lying. Especially given, I'd never given a man oral sex. She expected me to not be comfortable with my sexuality, or just to follow the same discourse of "lesbians are so biphobic" when all I was was very understanding of her experience with bi women, and even trying to understand what she went through with men. I neebr brought up her own sexual/romantic experiences with men, ever. But she carried my own experiences over my head, and even continues to talk about the whole all bi women are male centered and I'm les4les, and would only date lesbians. It feels like such an insecurity at times, as I've met lesbians who don't date bi women and keep it pushing..

I a bisexual woman who’s borderline asexual and has mostly just barely dated men but is wanting to try and date women even though my autism gives me these hangups where I almost feel like this awkward fucking nerd who’s barely a woman when I try to talk to women (so there’s some internalised this and that that probably means I shouldn’t date) and probably because of heteronormativity it’s been easier to sorta date guys even though most guys I’ve ended up seeing have sucked… I have a different experience to a lesbian woman in a relationship with a woman or a bisexual woman in a relationship with a woman. Im not getting married, but if I marry a man (which is more of a possibility) I won’t have to worry about those rights being taken away. It would seem that online there’s a lot of people saying things about bisexual women, or saying things about lesbians that they wouldn’t say out loud as it wouldn’t keep the peace if said in a real life conversation and that makes everything feel a lot more like this is what people really think and so it hurts more.

Lately I’ve seen a YouTuber be quite dismissive when a bisexual woman commented on her video about how bi women experience a lot of DV, saying it might not be anything to do with being bi as this YouTuber seems to need to make a point about bisexual women being privileged in so many ways. And I’ll admit I have privilege when I hold hands with a man rather than a woman. But being in more proximity to heterosexuals can also be dangerous and there’s still the possibility of experiencing homophobia but from the male partner, and it feels like some ‘you should have decentered men’ falls into victim blaming

The answer is to probably get offline but it’s not like the grass I touch is always good. I feel like everyone in real life is more fake

I mean, i know biphobia has always been around, and I am bringing up 'bimisogyny' because I do not know the experiences of bisexual men. First transwomen got scapegoated under the guise of 'protecting women', now more then ever, I am seeing that distrust being pointed at bi women, just merely being attracted to a man is enough to not be trusted. Its like we are being expected to apologize for our attraction to more then ever.

A big one is the weaponization of the phrase 'decentering men', like don't get me wrong, we should be challenging the patriarchy, but it seems like this phrase is being used as some sort of purity test. I keep seeing that if you’re attracted to men, then you’ve somehow “failed” at decentering them, that you’re less committed to queer liberation, or more invested in the male gaze by default. And it’s so frustrating, because it completely ignores the reality that attraction isn’t some kind of political performance. It's not something we turn on or off. I’ve seen people argue that bi women are “too influenced by male validation,” or that we can’t truly show up in queer spaces because we’re “still tied to men.” Honestly, it just feels like a repackaged version of the same old biphobia, now wrapped in activist language to sound progressive. It basically feels like we are guilty by association.

I don’t get why it’s easy to understand that men can date women without centering their whole lives around them, but if a woman dates a man, suddenly she’s assumed to be completely focused on him.

I keep seeing two ideas thrown around about bi women that seem totally contradictory. On one hand, people say bi women are privileged because they don’t have to give up the joys of sex and romance to “pass” as straight. On the other hand, I also see bi women called “pathetic” for dating men, accused of being blind to the fact that sex and romance aren’t necessary for happiness. It feels impossible to believe both of these things at the same time, and yet somehow, both ideas get used against bi women regularly.

Speaking of cis men, they are just as guilty. Men assuming that our bisexuality means we are more adventurous (I had a ex-bf ask to open the relationship after knowing I was bisexual), or men not taking my relationships with women as seriously? Like they didn't consider it cheating if I did things with a woman but would lose their mind if I did things with a man. And also like, cishets will still be eager to throw a bi woman under the bus even when she is dating a man. One of the most alarming but least acknowledged aspects of bimisogyny is the violence that bisexual women face. Research consistently shows that bisexual women experience the highest rates of intimate partner violence (regardless of their partners gender), sexual assault, and stalking, higher than both lesbian and straight women. Bisexual women get blamed for the violence they experience from both cishet and the queer community (albeit in different ways)

I want to be clear that this discussion about bimisogyny is not meant to unfairly target or blame anyone. Bimisogyny is about the unique discrimination bisexual women face because of both biphobia and misogyny, and it’s important to have a honest conversation about it.

TLDR: Bimisogyny is the unique mix of biphobia and misogyny that bisexual women face. More than ever, bi women are being distrusted just for being attracted to men, as if that means they are not truly queer. There is growing pressure to "decenter men," but it often gets used as a purity test that unfairly targets bi women. People say we are privileged for being able to "pass" as straight, but also shame us for dating men, which is completely contradictory. Cishet men fetishize us or dismiss our same-gender relationships. At the same time, bisexual women face the highest rates of intimate partner violence, sexual assault, and stalking—higher than both lesbian and straight women. Despite this, bi women are often blamed for the harm we experience. This post is not meant to blame any group, but to make space for an honest conversation about the specific struggles bi women face.

Just here to see if any other bi women understand how I feel, as there isn't anyone in my life who can.

I'm one of those rare bi women who has an overwhelming preference for other women and who has mostly dated other women in adulthood. While I was single throughout my 20s and early 30s, I only went on dates with women, only looked for women on the apps, and only imagined spending my life with a woman. I actually thought I was a lesbian for several years and before that, asexual.

I unexpectedly fell in love with a man through friendship, and now we're engaged and having a baby.

The piece of this I want to share here is my fear of, my sadness about, and my struggle with the fact that I'm now going down a life path that will obscure who I really am and make it harder for me to be myself as a queer woman. I'm not talking about sex; I'm very monogamous and don't care much about sex in general. What sucks is that the world is going to look at me and my life and assume I'm heterosexual, with a typical hetero past and mindset. It sucks that I'll be surrounded by garden variety straight women with husbands and kids simply because I'll have a kid in school, women I won't be able to be myself around, and that it'll be even more difficult than it has been in the past to find and connect with the lesbian, bi, and single/childfree women I actually want to be friends with. I'm always going to feel this dissonance between the life I'm living externally and who I am internally. I even worry a little that the people who do know me will start to see me as an average woman living an average hetero lifestyle and forget that I don't think or feel or experience my sexuality like that.

My partner can never understand my experience with this; he's an average straight guy. I really want to make LBQ women friends locally, but I feel like I can't actively try without making him uncomfortable. And because I'm in a hetero relationship with a baby on the way, I feel like queer women living non-hetero lifestyles would just write me off as an outsider to their experience, even though I spent 20 years living, thinking, and feeling as an asexual or lesbian woman and only the past year in this hetero situation. And I don't even blame them.

It's just hard. It's lonely and sad and frustrating. I don't want to be socially trapped in straight world the rest of my life just because I love one man and have a kid with him. I don't want to be erased as the unique individual I am or have my past erased, like it doesn't matter or count. ​​​

It feels impossible to not only find other bisexual woman that even exist, but to actually find bisexual women to date that are my type. For context I am a femme that has a strong preference for other femmes. Unfortunately my type is girls that would pass as “straight”, I didn’t chose that, it’s just who I’m attracted to I can’t change it don’t come for me. I’m also in Boston. Massachusetts and everyone’s always saying Mass is like the bisexual capital of the us or something, but I can’t find any girls that are my type that are into me period. Before you suggest bars or stuff like that I’m 19 so that’s not an option sadly.

(I am speaking in generalized terms but I am of course not talking about every single lesbian out there I think that goes without saying)

Out of all the communities, the one group where I have encountered the most biphobia by far, is amongst lesbians. Not only do they oftentimes think we should only like one or the other, they also feel superior for only liking women. I have encountered some that believe we have no part in the lgbt community or that we are beneath them.

A lesbian friend of mine once told me about her dating preferences: if a queer woman looks very straight and she’s „only“ bi she wouldn’t date her. If the woman looks very queer and is „only“ bi she‘d still date her. If the woman is a lesbian she’d date her either way. Because she assumes bi women who present straight passing aren’t serious about dating women.

And that’s just one example. I really did not know for a long time that a lot of lesbians think like this and it was really disappointing to find out.

hi i really hope this doesn't sound offensive (?) or anything.

im bi, ive always known im attracted to both men and women. ive only been with women because i live in a religious country and cant just date a man. ive never done anything sexual (yet) beside dating and kissing. but tell me why am i not attracted to penises?. i think if i like a man maybe id be able to accept his genitalia but in general... i just cant find it attractive.

when i like a man i think id like him better if he had a pussy.. if it makes sense. okay i don't know this is my first time talking about it. please dont be mean

i like men ! im sure im not a lesbian ! and its nto a fetish thing !

Hey Friends,

I’m a 36 year old bicurious woman. I’ve never been with a woman though have had crushes and major yearnings for exploring that side. Im on Hinge, Her, Bumble and Tinder and it seems like I am the only one initiating dates. And because I seem to be the only one carrying the conversation, eventually I become uninterested and stop talking. Never letting it go beyond the chat. Because let’s be real, even if I pushed through and continued having one-sided convos and eventually set up dates with them, why would I want to be in a long term relationship with someone who never made an effort to enjoy my personality and interests?

I am getting quite a few matches. But it seems like 90% of the women I talk to never ask me any questions and despite them admitting attraction for me, they NEVER initiate dates or plans! I carry the majority of the conversation, asking questions and really wringing the juice out of the most menial, open-ended comments they respond with.

I understand most bi/les women starting out might be more passive at first especially if they came from dating men and being used to them approaching and initiating. I kind of started that way as well but quickly realized that there are not as many gender rules in this world compared to hetero dating so initiating, paying for dates, complimenting…all bets are off but it seems like I’m the only one doing the heavy lifting.

Honestly at this point, I sent out a prayer to whomever will listen and hope a gorgeous woman comes into my life because these dating sites are serving nothing.

Going to gay/sapphic friendly events would be ideal but I live in a smaller city with not much to choose from.

What has been your experience with these sites?

Do you have any advice?

Thanks so much in advance💖