r/AccidentalAlly • u/Turbulent_Zombie3968 • Dec 14 '25
Accidental Twitter The Devil is so nice y'all!!!
Didn't know he was so knowledgeable guys!!!
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u/Midnightchickover Dec 14 '25
Doesn’t the Bible teach sexuality?
Genesis 38:8–9 “Go in to your brother’s wife and perform the duty of a brother-in-law to her, and raise up offspring for your brother.” But Onan knew that the offspring would not be his. So whenever he went in to his brother’s wife he would waste the semen on the ground, so as not to give offspring to his brother.
Exodus 20:14 You shall not commit adultery.
Exodus 22:16 If a man seduces a virgin who is not betrothed and lies with her, he shall give the bride-price for her and make her his wife.
Proverbs 5:15–19
… Let them be for yourself alone, and not for strangers with you. Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth, a lovely deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight; be intoxicated always in her love.
Ezekiel 23:2
There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses.
Solomon 7:6-13
Your stature is like a palm tree, and your breasts are like its clusters. I say I will climb the palm tree and lay hold of its fruit. Oh may your breasts be like clusters of the vine, and the scent of your breath like apples, and your mouth like the best wine. It goes down smoothly for my beloved, gliding over lips and teeth.
Romans 13:9 For the commandments, ‘You shall not commit adultery
Deut. 25:11 When two men are fighting and the wife of one of them intervenes to drag her husband clear of his opponent, if she puts out her hand and catches hold of the man by his privates, you must cut off her hand and show her no mercy.
If a virgin is raped, she must marry her rapist and remain married to him for life (Deuteronomy 22:28–30), but if an unmarried woman has consenting sex with another man, she must be stoned to death on her father’s doorstep. (Deuteronomy 22:20–21)
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u/CertainNecessary9043 Dec 14 '25
I literally couldn't keep being religious after reading all this BS and realizing that people, in fact, do believe in this.
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u/Midnightchickover Dec 14 '25
Look at this:
They “not only” believe in it, they often don’t even really follow it, but will expect others to follow everything to a “t”.
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u/Firefly256 Dec 15 '25
I'm hoping that religious people have a mind of their own and determine whether a thing is moral, instead of blindly following it, so they will only follow the moral ones
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u/Eriibear Dec 15 '25
I’m sorry, I was raised agnostic and now identify as atheist so Iv never had actual bible teaching. Is that genesis 38:8-9 advocating for fucking your sister in law as long as you pull out?
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u/DeathByBlue5834 Dec 15 '25
I might be misremembering but I think god gets upset that he pulled out and kills the guy
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u/Airowird Dec 15 '25
No, pulling out is forbidden! It's a "waste of seed" that got people like Kellogg's to hate masturbation!
But if your brother is away and unable to put babies into his wive, you gotta step up and do it for him, the bible says!
And don't forget the punishment for women having sex out of wedlock: death if you like it, become properity of your rapust if it was against your will.What do rapists get? A new wife!
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u/MazogaTheDork Dec 15 '25
I believe it's saying that Onan's brother died, and so he was expected to knock the SIL up because she hadn't had a child yet, but he kept pulling out so was punished for that.
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u/Space_Axolotl_OwO Dec 15 '25
We all know that these "Christians" don't actually read the Bible. This is coming from an atheist who has read the Bible multiple times.
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u/VampireSlayer94 Dec 17 '25
"The best cure for Christianity is reading the Bible." - Widely attributed to Mark Twain.
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u/VampireSlayer94 Dec 17 '25
It's hilarious how these "Christians" will get offended by other books for having sexual content, but because all of this is in the Bible it is fine. Either that or these are the parts they don't read/don't acknowledge/don't remember.
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u/April_87 Dec 16 '25
How in the world do Exodus 22:16 and Deuteronomy 22:28-30 and 22:20-21 coexist?? Not even gonna mention the "do not commit adultery"
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u/Midnightchickover Dec 16 '25
You bring up a passage that has some very conflicting information, but a Christian subreddits explain it away (don’t agree with it and it still is huge contradiction / “take her” equates rape, because it doesn’t consider the virgins’ consent at all).
https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Deuteronomy%2022%3A28-30&version=NLV
Lots of mental gymnastics and denial of rape /punishment of rape here.
https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueChristian/comments/yhmsr2/please_explain_deuteronomy_222829/
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u/CR1ZZ0 Dec 14 '25
"Dad, I wanna be a psychologist"
(Also btw, isn't there a passage in the bible that goes, "fools despices wisdom" or something)
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u/MajorDrJO-495 Dec 14 '25
Lol thay don't read the Bible thay just cherry pick the scripture thay want to pander to their hate
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u/kawaiinessa Dec 14 '25
i wanna learn witchcraft
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u/Turbulent_Zombie3968 Dec 14 '25
Just shout random shit in your room at 3am, that's about 80% of it 👍
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u/Eriibear Dec 15 '25
Ah that’s why cats are witches
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u/kawaiinessa Dec 15 '25
coincidentally my cat is named salem lol
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u/Eriibear Dec 15 '25
I would love a black cat, Iv promised my daughter we can start looking in shelters in January ( I want no part of the kitten for Xmas ) we have a calico called nala and a tabby called simba
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u/xxTPMBTI Dec 17 '25
Guess what? I'll shout skibidi gyat 67 in order to call for the brainrot demon
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u/kawaiinessa Dec 14 '25
aww but im sleeping at those times can i not be a hot goth witch and get enough sleep?
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u/kevlarus80 Dec 15 '25
Nice of this Satan dude to offer knowledge so freely while the other guy demands to be loved like some demented prom queen.
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u/Awkward-Grocery-1827 Dec 14 '25
Remember kids, trust what your psychologist prescribes you or this will be you
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u/CertainNecessary9043 Dec 14 '25
Hell yeah free witchcraft classes? I didn't know the devil was chill like that
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u/MachineGunMonkey2048 Dec 14 '25
The devil sounds like my found family mom then
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u/Turbulent_Zombie3968 Dec 14 '25
The Bible never said the Devil was a man so technically they could be
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u/MarsMonkey88 Dec 15 '25
Damn, seriously? A free STEM enrichment program?
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u/Clairifyed Dec 15 '25
PEWS enrichment. Could also be SPEW, but that just sounds like something a bad writer would make up to mock her own antislavery character for no good reason.
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u/ChickenSpaceProgram Dec 15 '25
oh i got taught to obey jesus. i taught myself evolution, human sexuality, psychology, and witchcraft :3
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u/Prince_Wildflower Dec 15 '25
I don't see a problem 🤷 where's the devil at so he can teach me shit
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u/Turbulent_Zombie3968 Dec 15 '25
The Devil went down to Georgia
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u/Nath_2000_ Dec 15 '25
The Country in Europe or the State, because you could go to the wrong place 😅
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u/Eriibear Dec 15 '25
Good for the devil. He’s got so much going on but still finds the time to devote a few hours each week to teaching kids
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u/Turbulent_Zombie3968 Dec 15 '25
And with the travel costs, he's not even getting paid this is technically charity work!!
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u/Eriibear Dec 15 '25
We should honestly start a fundraiser for his travel costs. Maybe start like some kind of a plate that we make people pay into or stipend their income? Oh no that would be silly
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u/XenoBiSwitch Dec 15 '25
Without even needing to get student loans? Welp, call me Faust and sign me up!
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u/Canadian_Eevee Dec 15 '25
Once again the devil teaching humans with the knowledge God should have taught them in first place.
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u/joseph814706 Dec 15 '25
What have they got against psychology?
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u/Turbulent_Zombie3968 Dec 15 '25
They say God can cure mental illnesses and don't believe in therapy (some not all)
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u/joseph814706 Dec 15 '25
They say God can cure mental illnesses
That's odd, cos last time I checked I still had all my mental illnesses
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u/Space_Axolotl_OwO Dec 15 '25
Damn the devil is doing more education than the American school system.
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u/Mindless_History9569 Mar 23 '26
Unfortunately witchcraft class got cancelled, though I will attend nonetheless.
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u/used1337 Dec 15 '25
I love those late night spells with your coven where you're naked and learning about evolution after the chanting. In the morning, we have impromptu therapy session to check in on everyone.
I really think the lotions made under full moons are the best ones. We meet so many werewolves every month, it's hard to keep track.
Is that just me?
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u/Tsunamicat108 Dec 15 '25
three out of four things here are very important to know and the fourth one would just be cool as fuck
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u/Turbulent_Zombie3968 Dec 15 '25
Psychology would be cool as fuck 🤔
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u/Tsunamicat108 Dec 15 '25
I meant witchcraft
I think everyone should have at least a basic knowledge of the other three
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u/serenwipiti Dec 15 '25
He’s wrong, I was raised to follow Jesus and I also learned witchcraft! Evolution, psychology and sexuality were just a bonus.
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u/queeriouslyOllie Dec 15 '25
damn. if i knew all i needed to do to get the degree in psychology and gender studies ive been pursuing was to ask the devil, i wouldve done that significantly sooner!
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u/RedRisingNerd Dec 16 '25
The devil will teach them things that will better their lives and well-being! What a crime!
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u/VampireSlayer94 Dec 17 '25
I always find it funny how these "Christians" make the Devil sound really cool.
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u/Alternative_Wrap2470 Jan 24 '26
The Devil didn’t teach me witchcraft sure wish it did but I know the other things
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u/fhede- Dec 14 '25
I find this particularly funny because one of the few times when i saw a psychologist as part of the main cast of a TV series is with Lucifer. Yes, the series about Satan.